Wrong Pants
Teacher: Vernie, if you put your hand in one pants pocket and found 75 cents, then you put your other hand in your other pants pocket and found 50 cents, what would you have?
Vernie: I'd have somebody else's pants on!
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New Twins
Eve: "Did you hear the latest about Jane Simmons who lives over on the next block? "
Sheli: " No, what about her?"
Eve: "She had triplets. Then not two weeks later, she had twins."
Sheli: "That's Impossible.! How did it happen?"
Eve: "One of the triplets got lost."
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Little League Parents
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his
young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What
a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is that we play
together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or
you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the
umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to
your parents."
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Birds and Bees"
Donald Ogden Stewart, the writer, had a son away at prep school. When the boy reached the age of fourteen, Stewart wrote him the following letter:
"Dear son, now that you have reached the magic age of fourteen, the time has come to tell you about the bees and flowers. There is a male and a female bee, although I haven't the slightest idea which is which. As for the flowers, we get ours from the Plaza Florist, Inc. Well, that takes care of that.
Write soon,
Affectionately,
Father
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CleanQuote
"Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: If you're alive, it isn't."
- Richard Bach
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Illustration - "God's Will"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A young man asked his father following the Church service “Dad, is God going to die?”
“Of course not, God can’t die” replied his father, “why do you ask?”
The son answered, “The Pastor kept saying that God’s will was being done.”
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Rabbits
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.
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Politics Explained as Cows
SOCIALISM You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.
FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.
BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.
CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
CORPORATE You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.
DEMOCRACY You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to pay the taxes to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government.
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Wisdom of the Workplace
- Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
- Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
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Mottos to Work By
-
- If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
- Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
- A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
- Plagiarism saves time.
- If at first you don't succeed, try management.
- Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
- TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
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"A German airline is offering nude flights. What a tremendous
idea. How many times have you been on a flight and looked
around and said, 'Gee, if only I could see these people
naked.'" -David Letterman
***
"A state senator in
alien' because it's insensitive. They want to go with the
more politically correct term, 'WalMart-ian.'" -Jay Leno
***
"I was reading about this self help book, 'The Secret,'
written by an Australian reality producer. One fan of the
book said it stopped her panic attacks and doubled her
acupuncture business. I'm thinking, 'Who's going to go see
a panicky acupuncturist?'" -Craig Ferguson
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We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical
audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled
diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."
Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she
double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the
tape, he shook his head.
"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from
a tree."
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I knew I had been in the military too long when my five-year-
old daughter sang her version of "Silent Night." It went like
this: "Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright,
Round yon virgin mother and child, Holy infantry, tender and
mild..."
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New Offices
My husband works in a former supermarket that was remodeled
to accommodate professional offices.
One day he overheard his receptionist giving directions over
the phone. "Remember the old grocery store?" she asked the
caller. "Well, you'll find us in the meat department."
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Gift Disappointment
The rich aunt was disappointed and said to her nephew, "I'm sorry you
don't like your gift. I asked you if you preferred a large check or a
small check."
"I know, Auntie," the nephew said contritely, "but I didn't know you
were talking about neckties."
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Strange Facts
"About 300 million cells die in your body every minute."