The new pastor was winding down the service. In the back of the church, the
fellowship committee stood to go to the church hall and prepare snacks for
the congregation. Seeing them rise, Pastor Mike, not remembering the names
of the women he'd so recently met, still wanted to single out their
committee for praise.
"Before they all slip out," he urged, "let's give these ladies a big hand in
the rear."
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My kid brother, a strict vegetarian, travels abroad for long periods on
business. When he got back from Europe one time, he called our parents' home
and told Dad he was about to pay them an unexpected visit.
When Dad hung up the phone, he called to mother. "The prodigal son is
returning! Kill the fatted zucchini!"
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The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.
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Did you hear that they're closing all the Wal-Marts and K-Marts in Iraq this week?
They're turning them into Targets.
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Mummy’s Heart Attack
An archaeologist was digging in Israel’s Negev Desert and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the archaeologist of a prestigious natural-history museum.
“I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!” the excited scientist exclaimed.
The curator replied, “Bring him in and we'll check it out.”
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. “You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?”
“Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'.”
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My brother Dan (not you, church brother Dan) & the buffalo
Dan, dressed up as Indian, walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a bull buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, " Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He gets Dan a tall mug of coffee. Dan drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.
The next morning Dan returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
Dan smiles and proudly says, "Me training for position in the office of a United States Congressman: my career goals are come in, drink coffee, shoot bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.
Dan obviously has succeeded in achieving these career goals while avoiding life in D.C.