********************************
Every night, Frank would go down to the store, get a
six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV.
One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang.
He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach
standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw
him across the room, then left.
The next night, after he finished his fourth beer, the
doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the
same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched
him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his first beer, the
doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was
standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell
rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the
snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He
explained the events of the preceding four nights.
"What can I do?" he pleaded.
"Not much," the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug
going around."
********************************
Empty People
Satan whispers and tells them where to go,
hunting riches and rivers of Gold,
What will they gain ,taking Gods' name in vain,
What will He say on Judgement day?
They don't know Gods' in control,they don't think of
Him,
Like the almost Blind leading the almost Blind,
their eyes are so dim' they believe not, God takes
care of us all,
Reaching for material things ,they will fall.
I know God must shed a tear,as He watches His Children
fall,
Chasing their God's of Money,Homes and Cars,
Living on hard drink and living in Bars,
Woe unto them,for Gods Mercy will end!go to the left
He will say,and Eternity always stays.
Martha
********************************
It is hot when...
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of
the ground.
The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do
to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt
and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep
them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
People are eating hot peppers to cool their mouths
off.
People feel chilled when the temperature drops below
95°.
The best parking place is determined by shade, not
distance.
Hot water now comes out of both faucets.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outdoors
at 7:30AM!
You discover that asphalt has a liquid state.
Local restaurants serve hot coffee as a cold beverage.
You can fry eggs by holding the egg skillet out the
window for a few minutes.
********************************
Monastery
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near
a monastery. He
goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says,
"My car broke down.
Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner,
even fix his car. As
the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange
sound. The next
morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but
they say, "We can't tell
you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and
goes about his
merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front
of the same
monastery. The monks gain accept him, feed him, even
fix his car. That
night,
he hears the same strange noise that he had heard
years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks
reply, "We can't
tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to
know. If the only
way I can find out what that sound was is to become
a monk, how do I
become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell
us how many
blades of grass there are and the exact number of
sand pebbles. When you
find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years
later, he returns
and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I
have traveled the
earth and have found what you have asked for. There
are 145,236,284,232
blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand
pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a
monk. We shall now
show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the
head monk says,
"The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is
locked. He says, "Real
funny. May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden
door is another door made of stone. The man demands
the key to the stone
door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it,
only to find a door
made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks,
who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of
sapphire. So it went
until the man had gone through doors of emerald,
silver, topaz,
amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the
last door." The
man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door,
turns the knob, and
behind that door he is amazed to find the source of
that strange sound.
********************************
(From a pamphlet produced by our government for home buyers)
Dear Prospective Homeowner:
In the event you are considering purchase of a home that is new ("New") or
existing ("Not New"), the following tests will help you determine whether
the dwelling is structurally appropriate for teenagers. Please note that
these steps only simulate living with a teenager; nothing can actually
duplicate the experience, though spending five years running with wild dogs
might come close.
The "I'm Angry And So Is My Door" test: To determine whether your interior
doors can withstand the temper tantrums of teenagers, repeatedly slam a
small bedroom door with a force somewhere between "Sledgehammer" and "Train
Wreck." If it helps you get in the mood, feel free to shout "I hate you!"
while doing so. After twenty-nine such slams (an average week's worth)
check the foundation for cracks. If no fissures are evident, you aren't
slamming the door hard enough.
The "I DID Clean My Room" test: Take two baskets of dirty clothes and two
baskets of clean clothes and distribute them chaotically throughout a
bedroom. Can you see carpet? If you can see carpet, add more
clothes. When you cannot see any carpet, add more clothes. Then stand in
the middle of the room and shout "I can't find anything to wear!"
The "Why Does It Matter If I Can't Hear You I'm Not Going To Listen Anyway"
test: Place a CD in a stereo and turn up the volume as high as it will
go. Repeat this with more stereos in each bedroom of the house. When the
decibel level exceeds that of the launch of a space shuttle, open any
unbroken windows and see whether your neighbors complain. If they don't,
you need either (a) more stereos or (b) different neighbors. You simply
cannot fully appreciate the Living-with-Teenagers Experience if your
neighbors don't complain about your children.
The "But I Had To Rinse My Hair" test: Fully drain your hot-water tank,
then try to take a shower because you're late to a meeting. Next, place a
kitchen timer in the bathroom with a note saying "ABSOLUTELY NO SHOWERS
LONGER THAN FIVE MINUTES," then ignore the note and drain the hot-water
tank exactly as before and pretend you're late for another meeting. Repeat
this test until you become accustomed to cold showers in the morning.
The "Doesn't Anybody Check the Pockets in This Stupid Family?" test: Place
a lipstick in the pocket of a pair of pants and then do a load of
laundry. If all the clothing comes out stained, It Isn't Her Fault. If
the clothing does not come out stained, repeat the test until it does. For
the full Teenage Experience, repeat the test every three weeks or so for
five years.
The "Why Can't We Just Order a Pizza?" test: Fill the refrigerator with
food, then stand in front of it with the door open and shriek "There's
nothing to eat in this house!"
The "Why Can't I Stay Out Later than Midnight No One Else Has Such a Stupid
Curfew!" test: This test has two stages. In stage one, scream the title
of the test loudly and stomp your foot as hard as you can. If this hurts
your foot, try simulating the impact by dropping a cement block from a
helicopter. In stage two, drive an automobile at high speed through the
neighborhood, pulling into your driveway at fifty miles an hour at one
minute before midnight. Park the car with the interior dark for half an
hour while the father of the house paces frantically in front of the
window. Flick lights on and off several times. Repeat this process every
weekend for as long as you live in the house.
The "I AM Doing My Homework" test: Turn on the television, then lie on the
floor in front of it, talking on the telephone.
The "It Wasn't a Party, I Just Had Some Friends Over!" test: Leave town
for a weekend. When you come back, check to see if the house is still
standing.
If the structure passes all of the tests, you can live in it with
teenagers. The question is, why would you want to?