Old Friends
Amy and Jamie are old friends. They have both been married to their
husbands for a long time. Amy is upset because she thinks her husband
doesn't find her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries.
"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful
every day." replies Jamie.
"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"
********************************
A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as
though he'd just escaped a tornado.
"What's wrong?" a woman asked.
"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.
"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?"
"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked
for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes
- any handicap he wanted. He said, 'Just give me two
gotchas.'"
"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman.
"That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan
said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I
had my club poised, he grabbed my shorts and gave me a
wedgie and screamed out 'Gotcha!'"
"I can guess what happened," the woman said.
"Sure," the pro said. "That gotcha threw me off, and I
missed the ball completely."
"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only
one swing. How did he win the game?"
The pro answered, "I couldn't swing well the rest of the
game because I was watching out for that second 'gotcha!'"
********************************
LIFE IN THE 1500'S
Interesting!
The next time you are washing your hands and complain
because the water temperature isn't just how you like
it, think about how things used to be. Here are some
facts about the 1500s:
These are interesting...
Most people got married in June because they took
their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty
good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so
brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body
odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet
when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice
clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the
women and finally the children Last of all
the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could
actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't
throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with
no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals
to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals
(mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it
became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip
and off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats
and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the
house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where
bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean
bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over
the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy
beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something
other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The
wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in
the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on
floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore
on, they added more thresh until when you opened the
door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of
wood was placed in the entranceway.
Hence the saying a "thresh hold."
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a
big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day
they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They
ate mostly vegetables and did not get much
meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving
leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then
start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it
that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge
cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel
quite special. When visitors came over, they would
hang up their bacon to show off It was a sign of
wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They
would cut off a little to share with guests and would
all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with
high acid content caused some of the lead to leach
onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This
happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400
years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the
burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The
combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for
a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would
take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They
were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of
days and the family would gather around and eat and
drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence
the custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and the local folks started
running out of places to bury people. So they would
dig up coffins and would take the bones to a
"bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these
coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have
scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had
been burying people alive. So they would tie a string
on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through
the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a
bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard
all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the
bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the
bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."
And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History
was boring ! ! !
Educate someone
********************************
My wife Delores never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the orderly room to speak with me. The person who answered told her to call me at the extension in the band rehearsal hall.
"He can be reached at 4700, Ma'am," the soldier advised.
With a sigh of exasperation, my wife responded, "And just what time is that?"
********************************
********************************
Old Friends
Amy and Jamie are old friends. They have both been married to their
husbands for a long time. Amy is upset because she thinks her husband
doesn't find her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries.
"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful
every day." replies Jamie.
"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"
********************************
A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as
though he'd just escaped a tornado.
"What's wrong?" a woman asked.
"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.
"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?"
"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked
for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes
- any handicap he wanted. He said, 'Just give me two
gotchas.'"
"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman.
"That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan
said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I
had my club poised, he grabbed my shorts and gave me a
wedgie and screamed out 'Gotcha!'"
"I can guess what happened," the woman said.
"Sure," the pro said. "That gotcha threw me off, and I
missed the ball completely."
"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only
one swing. How did he win the game?"
The pro answered, "I couldn't swing well the rest of the
game because I was watching out for that second 'gotcha!'"
********************************
LIFE IN THE 1500'S
Interesting!
The next time you are washing your hands and complain
because the water temperature isn't just how you like
it, think about how things used to be. Here are some
facts about the 1500s:
These are interesting...
Most people got married in June because they took
their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty
good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so
brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body
odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet
when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice
clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the
women and finally the children Last of all
the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could
actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't
throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with
no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals
to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals
(mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it
became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip
and off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats
and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the
house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where
bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean
bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over
the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy
beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something
other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The
wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in
the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on
floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore
on, they added more thresh until when you opened the
door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of
wood was placed in the entranceway.
Hence the saying a "thresh hold."
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a
big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day
they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They
ate mostly vegetables and did not get much
meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving
leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then
start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it
that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge
cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel
quite special. When visitors came over, they would
hang up their bacon to show off It was a sign of
wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They
would cut off a little to share with guests and would
all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with
high acid content caused some of the lead to leach
onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This
happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400
years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the
burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The
combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for
a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would
take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They
were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of
days and the family would gather around and eat and
drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence
the custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and the local folks started
running out of places to bury people. So they would
dig up coffins and would take the bones to a
"bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these
coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have
scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had
been burying people alive. So they would tie a string
on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through
the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a
bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard
all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the
bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the
bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."
And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History
was boring ! ! !
Educate someone
********************************
My wife Delores never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the orderly room to speak with me. The person who answered told her to call me at the extension in the band rehearsal hall.
"He can be reached at 4700, Ma'am," the soldier advised.
With a sigh of exasperation, my wife responded, "And just what time is that?"
********************************
Thanks to LBS: Freckles
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face
was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at
the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get
their cheeks painted by a local artist who was
decorating them with tiger paws.
"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to
paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him "I love your freckles". When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"
The boy looked up, "Really?" "Of course," said the
grandmother.
"Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than
freckles."
The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely
into his grandma's face, and softly whispered,
"Wrinkles."
******************************************************
Thanks to Sandy -- 22 Easy Steps to Gooder Grammar
1. Don't abbrev.
2. Check to see if you any words out.
3. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
4. About sentence fragments.
5. When dangling, don't use participles.
6. Don't use no double negatives.
7. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
8. Just between You and i, case is important.
9. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
10. Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.
11. Its important to use apostrophe's right.
12. It's better not to unnecessarily split an
infinitive.
13. Never leave a transitive verb just lay there
without an object.
14. Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized.
15. a sentence should begin with a capital and end
with a period
16. Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any
two-word phrase.
17. In letters compositions reports and things like
that we use commas to keep a string of items apart.
18. Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped
into our language.
19. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
20. Avoid unnecessary redundancy.
21. A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
22. Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to
punctuate it.
24. A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence
with.
25. Avoid clichés like the plague