********************************
Being Polite
While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of
giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining
room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot.
"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.
"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."
At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"
********************************
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?"
"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.
"Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr. Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck looks confused and asks: "What on earth do they want with a carpenter?"
********************************
Here is today's CleanLaugh. - Understanding Law*
During a Law course class, the 'Audi Alteram Parten' rule was explained. Translated it means "To hear the other party"
After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.
Responded one woman, "My husband."
********************************
A Great Blonde Joke
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife,
Susie, something nice for their first wedding
anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He
showed her the phone and explained to her all of its
features.
Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply
adored her new phone. The next day Susie went
shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it
was her husband on the other end.
"Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your
voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I
don't understand though...!"
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
********************************
(Note: Monday, July 4 is Independence Day in the USA)
What would you get if you crossed the first signer of the
Declaration of Independence with a rooster?
John Hancock-a-doodle-doo!
What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
Beneduck Arnold!
What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small
curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!
What did Paul Revere say at the end of his ride?
"I gotta get a softer saddle!"
Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!
Why did the British cross the Atlantic?
To get to the other tide!
What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?
The Boston Flea Party!
Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!
What do you call a parade of German mercenaries?
A Hessian procession!
********************************
The avid golfer
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thouroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your mother's...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE................."Ernesto, if you broke that driver you're fired.!"