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London BuildingA Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618."Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"As they passed Westminister Abbey the cab driver was silent."Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the TexanThe driver replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
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St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by thePearly Gates: "For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; hebarely gets started when BING! the bell rings. He rushesback to the gates, but no one's there.St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bellrings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one'sthere. A little annoyed, St. Peter goes back to work.Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back;again, no one's there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says."I'm going to hide and watch to see what's going on." So St.Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks upand rings the bell.St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy whokeeps ringing the bell?""Yes, that's me," the little old man says."Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St.Peter asks."They keep resuscitating me," he replies.
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Arrangements
It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother, but John felt that he must: "Mom, you're no longer a spring chicken and you do need to think ahead of what'll happen in the future. Why don't we make arrangements about when...you know...when...you pass on?"
The mother didn't say anything, just sat there staring ahead.
"I mean, Mom, like...how do you want to finally go? Do you want to be buried? Cremated?"
There was yet another long pause. Then the mother looked up and said, "Son, why don't you surprise me?"
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed."
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Cheerful Giving
A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the little girl a quarter and a dollar for church. "Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself," she told the girl.
Sunday, when they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given.
"Well," said the little girl, "I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the preacher said that God loves a cheerful giver. I knew I'd be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so I did."
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Thanks to LBS: Younger vs olderYOU ARE EITHER THERE AND UNDERSTAND THESE, OR ONE DAYYOU WILL...Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground withsticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's calledgolf.Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lyingabout your age and start bragging about it.The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waitingin line for.Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me,I want people to know "why" I look this way. I'vetraveled a long way and some of the roads weren'tpaved.How old would you be if you didn't know how old youare?When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back toyour youth, think of Algebra.You know you are getting old when everything eitherdries up or leaks.One of the many things no one tells you about aging isthat it is such a nice change from being young.One must wait until evening to see how splendid theday has been.Ah ... being young is beautiful, but being old iscomfortable.Old age is when former classmates are so gray,wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't haveanything to laugh at when you are old.First you forget names, then you forget faces. Thenyou forget to pull-up your zipper; then, oh mygoodness, you forgot to pull your zipper down!If you jog in a joggiwind-breakerunge in loungingpajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY wouldanyone want to wear a windbreaker?And best of all... I don't know how I got over thehill without getting to the top. Now that's somethingto think about!