An older woman recently returned from her hometown in North
Carolina and told a friend they'd spruced up the churchyard
cemetery since her last visit several years past. "Lots of
new greenery," she said. "And families are together now."
"All together?" her friend asked, puzzled.
"Well," the first replied, "years ago they never much
worried where they buried someone because everyone was a
neighbor anyhow. They'd just dig a grave wherever it seemed
to balance things. But they've redone it so people are with
their children and grandchildren, instead of scattered."
The friend was aghast. "You mean they exhumed all those
people and reburied them?"
"Oh my, no," was the reply. "We just shifted the headstones.
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Whenever a woman asks, "Does this dress make my butt look big?" I always try
to reassure them by saying, "No. It's your butt that makes the dress look
big."
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A young mother was riding the bus with her four-year-old boy
when he suddenly blurted out so that everyone in the bus
could hear: "Look, Mom, see that man's nose? It looks soooo
funny!"
The mother was quite embarrassed and scolded her son. Then
she whispered to him that if he wanted to say something
about someone, then he had to wait until they got home or at
least where nobody could hear them, so that nobody would be
sad.
A moment later, the boy blurted out in the same loud voice:
"Look, Mom, we've got to talk about that big fat lady when
we get home!"
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"Suspicious Delivery"
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.
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CleanQuote
"It is good to be a Christian and know it, but it is better to be a Christian and show it."
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"Self Confidence" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
J. Paul Getty was one of the wealthy men who frequently came to watch Jack Dempsey train. Himself a keen amateur boxer, he asked to be allowed to spar for a round with the champion.
Getty put up quite a creditable performance until he made the mistake of saying, "Hit me a little harder, Jack."
Dempsey knocked him out.
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What Took You So Long?The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers. Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car."What took you so long, son?" he asked."The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy replied. "But I got even.""How?""I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the youngster explained happily. "It's going to be a mighty noisy place at eight o'clock."
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Late one night, a man walks into a dentist's surgery and
says, "Excuse me, can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a
psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "Well, the light was on."
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A Norwegian and a Canoe
Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?" "No, I don't," said Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
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Missing Homework
After teaching high school for nearly 20 years, I thought I'd heard every possible excuse for missing homework until one parent sent me this note: "Please excuse Lori for not having her algebra homework. The cat had kittens on it last night."
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Car Sale
Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles. One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the car." "Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
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For The Kids...
Where are most fish found? Between the head and the tail! What kind of fish will help you hear better?A herring aid! What do fish sing to each other?Salmon-chanted evening! How does an octopus go to war?Well-armed! Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?On squid row!