Big Secret
In the 1970's, before women were allowed to sign up for combat duty, a man was bragging to his friends about how his sister disguised herself as a man and was able to join the army.
"But, wait a minute," said one listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well, won't they find out?" asked his friend.
The man shrugged and replied, "But who will tell?"
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Prayers Before Dinner
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Vernie, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," Little Vernie replies, "I don't have to, my mom is a good cook!"
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Excellent Poet
A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after class. Holding out the young man's assignment, the professor said, "Did you write this poem all by yourself?"
The student said, "Every word of it."
The professor said, "Well, then, I'm glad to meet you, Mr.Poe. I thought you were long dead."
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Blondes Do Not Really Have More Fun...
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all
brunettes, chartered a double-decker bus for a weekend
gambling trip.
The brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the
blonde team rode on the top level.
The brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a
great time, when one of the brunettes realized she had not
heard anything from the blondes upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate. When the brunette
reached the top, she found all the blondes in fear, staring
straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of
them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck is going on up here? We
are having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looked at her, swallowed hard, and
whispered, "YEAH, BUT YOU HAVE A DRIVER!"
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"Proud Grandmother"
An elderly, wealthy woman in
Unable to stand it any longer, a fellow sunbather interrupted her.
"Tell me, how old are your grandsons?"
The grandmother gave a grateful smile and replied, "The doctor is four and the lawyer is six..."
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Oneliner
"A stitch in time would have confused Einstein."
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CleanPun - "Too Much Sugar"
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious woman. "I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," she said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
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”40 Detroiters”
Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from
Never having seen anyone from
After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group.
A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!"
"What? All of the Detroiters are gone?" asked God.
"No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"
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Out of Gas
The young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally two
men walked up to her. "I'm out of gas," she purred. "Could you please
push me to the gas station?"
The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several
blocks. After a while, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had
just passed a filling station.
"How come you didn't turn in?" he yelled.
"I never go there," the girl shouted back. "They don't have full service."
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Big Bucks
What do you get when you cross fifty female pigs and fifty male deer?
A hundred sows and bucks
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Math Poem
This poem was written by John Saxon (an author of math textbooks).
((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0
Or for those who have trouble with the poem:
A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven,
plus five times eleven,
equals nine squared and not a bit more.
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Job Interviews
Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.
- An applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
- An applicant wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
- An applicant fell and broke his arm during the interview.
- A candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.
- An applicant explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.
- A candidate said he had never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in
- A balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
- An applicant said that if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
- An applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
- A candidate brought a large dog to interview.
- An applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed while standing up.
- One candidate dozed off during interview.
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Redneck Ring
The woman asked her redneck lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?"
"Sure," he replied. "What's your phone number?
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"The Chief's Wife"
"NEXT," the conference emcee announced, "we have the chief of the Minnesota State Patrol, Roger Ledding, who is here with his lovely wife, Beverly."
The chief took his place at the lectern. "I'm a little nervous," he began, "getting up before this distinguished audience and speaking today. But not nearly as nervous as I will be tonight when I must go home with my wife, Audrey, and explain
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CleanQuote
"I'd like to be the ideal mother, but I'm too busy raising my kids."
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Illustration - "In His Hands"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
"In His Hands"
We know not what tomorrow brings
... Although we plan ahead
For only God alone can know
... the pathway we must tread.
We cannot know the future
... not one minute nor one hour
Each circumstance that we must face
... lay only in His power.
It's vital that we live by faith
... from minute unto minute
And trusting that each step we take
... He's walking with us in it.
We cannot see the future
... nor the trials we must face
But in all things, God promised us
... sufficiency of grace.
This alone should give us hope
... whatever be our plans
In knowing that our future lies
... in His sweet, loving hands.
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Insomniac
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."
"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."