Pilot and NavigatorThe pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and placed it on his chart table.The pilot asked, "What's that for?""To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is
the belief that one's work is terribly important."
--Bertrand Russell
***
On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company,
I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was
stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of
the car he was driving. I asked again for a more detailed
description beyond a "blue, four-door sedan."
"It's the one on fire," he replied.
***
"My ten year old daughter asked me what a colon was and I
explained that it was a part of the body that food goes
through before being eliminated. Then she asked me what a
semicolon was and I told her that it was a colon the size
of a truck with eighteen wheels."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
From a passenger ship one can just barely see a bearded man
on a small island in the distance who is shouting and
desperately waving his hands.
"Who is that?" a passenger asked a passing steward.
"I've no idea. Every year when we pass by, he goes nuts."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A rancher goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so
he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the
banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how
his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull
just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker
suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.
The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of
all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced
all my neighbor's cows!"
"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
No Bull
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A grief-stricken man
A grief-stricken man threw himself on a grave and cried bitterly, "My life, oh how senseless is it! How worthless everything about me, because you are gone. If only you had lived, if only fate had not been so cruel as to take you from this world, how everything would have been different!" A clergyman nearby overheard him and said, "I assume the person lying beneath this mound of earth was someone of great importance to you." "Importance? Indeed it was," wept the man. "It's my wife's first husband!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Sales Practice
The out-of-work newlywed took a temporary job as a vacuum cleaner salesman to make ends meet. After 3 days of intensive training, the sales manager told him to go home and practice his pitch on his wife. The next morning, the manager asked the novice how he made out. “Well,” the man began, “I did what you said, and after I finished, I asked her if she would buy the vacuum cleaner from me. She said ‘Yes.’ Then I asked her ‘Why?’ She replied, ‘Because I love you.’”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Airline Rage
As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!" The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy. As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams: "Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!" Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee. Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!" The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards. Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Doug and Bob were at the racetrack. Doug says, "You know, if you win $600 on
a race, the track tells the government."
Bob says, "Well it could be worse."
Doug replies, "What could be worse than telling the government you won
$600?"
Bob sighs, "Telling your wife."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The Top 16 Lines You'll Never Hear in a Western
16 "I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist."
15 "Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw
upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."
14 "Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys'
room."
13 "Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"
12 "Y'know, Badlands Pete, a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie
breeze, just you 'n' me. What say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a
jig or two?"
11 "Guns? We don't need no stinking guns!"
10 "I'm tellin' ya, I ain't shot no varmints since them PETA fellers set me
straight."
9 "Let's see. Hardtack and pemmican. That's three grams of fat, seven grams
of protein, and two starches."
8 "Who let the dogies out?"
7 "You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on
the gazpacho and the fondue."
6 "That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"
5 "He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for
interior decoration."
4 "Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"
3 "Dangit, Jake, yer an enabler!"
2 "It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from
Dodge."
and the number 1 line you'll never hear in a western...
1 "HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS! Okay, now a little to the left. Oooh! Oooh! Stop
right there. Perfect!"