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A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"
He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
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In honor of my Scottish heritage and the bagpipes that I dearly love:
What is the Bagpipe?
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune a lawn mower.
Q. How do you make a chainsaw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it
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The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
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TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING, BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS, I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED - THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT TOSSING AND TURNING WITH ANTICIPATION THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK BECAME INFATUATION.SO, I RACED TO THE KITCHEN, FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE, FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.I GOBBLED UP TURKEY AND BUTTERED POTATOES, PICKLES AND CARROTS, BEANS AND TOMATOES.I FELT MYSELF SWELLING SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND, 'TIL ALL OF A SUDDEN, I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING, FLOATING INTO THE SKY WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.BUT, I MANAGED TO YELL AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES....HAPPY EATING TO ALL - PASS THE CRANBERRIES, PLEASE.MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY, MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP. MAY YOUR POTATOES 'N GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP, MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE, MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.
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Thanksgiving Prayer
My family traditionally begins the evening meal with a prayer of thanks.
When they were old enough, we began letting our children say the meal
prayer. Of course at first they would ask for a pony, a new bike, etc. They
soon learned the more important things which should be included in the prayer.
At Thanksgiving we had the whole family over. My nine year old wanted to
say the prayer. It went like this:
"Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for the turkey, the rolls, the mashed
potatoes, the red jiggly stuff, and the bread stuff even though I don't
like it. We ask that You not let us choke on this food."
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"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."
~ Martin Luther King
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"Sir, I wish to marry your daughter."
"Can you support a family?"
"Yes Sir, I can.""There are eight of us."