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ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT?
(Senior Citizen Version)
Are you lonesome tonight?
Does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your mylanta and tums?
Does your memory stray,
To that bright sunny day,
When you had all your teeth and your gums?
Is your hairline receding?
Your eyes growing dim?
Hysterectomy for her,
And its prostate for him.
Does your back give you pain?
Do your knees predict rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
Is your blood pressure up?
Good cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low fat cuisine?
All that oat bran and fruit,
Metamucil to boot.
Helps you run like
A well oiled machine.
If it's football or baseball,
He sure knows the score.
Yes, he knows where it's at
But forgets what it's for.
So your gallbladder's gone,
But your gout lingers on,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
When you're hungry, he's not,
When you're cold, he is hot,
Then you start that old thermostat war.
When you turn out the light,
He goes left and you go right,
Then you get his great symphonic snore.
He was once so romantic,
So witty and smart;
How did he turn out to be such
A cranky old ****?
So don't take any bets,
It's as good as it gets,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building.
******************************************************
Thanks to La Mi -- Church Definitions: Which Are You?
Pillars - attend regularly, giving time, talent and treasure
Supporters - give time and money if they like the minister and/or finance committee
Leaners - use the church for funerals, marriages, and other personal reasons but give not time or money to support it
Working Leaners - work, but do not give money
Specials - give occasionally for something that appeals to them
Annuals or Easter Birds - dress up, look serious and go to church on Easter
Sponges - take anything they can get from the church, but give nothing back
Tramps - go from church to church, but support none
Gossips - talk freely about everyone except the Lord Jesus
Scrappers - take offense, criticize and fight
Orphans - are children sent by parents who do not set an example
Backsliders - go back and walk no more with Jesus
******************************** An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun, which will only be observable there, when he's captured by cannibals. The eclipse is due the next day around noon. To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a god and threaten to extinguish the sun if he's not released, but the timing has to be just right. So, in the few words of the cannibals' primative tongue that he knows, he asks his guard what time they plan to kill him.
The guard's answer is, "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal."
"Great," the astronomer replies.
The guard continues, though, "But because everyone's so excited about it, in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."
********************************
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me.
Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
********************************
*Unwritten Warning Labels*
On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place"
On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.
On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.
On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.
On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area.
On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening.
On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.
On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene.
On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.
On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied.
On Odor Eaters: Do not eat.
On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium.
On a microscope: Objects in view are larger and more alarming than they appear.
On alphabet blocks: Not for children. Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.
******************************** Makes a Difference
My wife was chatting with her brother, a business executive who had retired
last year. While discussing the joys of his new leisure time, he remarked
that he had been compelled to give up skiing, a sport he had enjoyed for
many years.
"Afraid of injuries?" my wife asked.
"Now I am," her brother responded. "Before I could drag a cast into work and still do my job, but now I'd be messing up my golf game."