AMUSING QUOTE
"Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.รข€
~Brendan Gill
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Hanukkah Tree
Admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbor's windows, a child asks his father, "Daddy, can we have a Hanukkah Tree?" "What? No, of course not." says his father. "Why not?" asks the child again.Bewildered, his father replies, "Because the last time we had dealings with a lighted bush we spent 40 years in the wilderness."
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Dogs Rules For Christmas
. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:a. Don't pee on the treeb. Don't drink water in the container that holds the treec. Mind your tail when you are near the treed. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them opene. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leansb. Don't eat off the buffet tablec. Beg for goodies subtlyd. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofae. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the housec. Tolerate childrend. Turn on your charm big time7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night.DON'T BITE HIM!!
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Electric Trains
While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?"The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him. He promptly replied, "Another train."
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10 Reasons For A Raise
10. The hours, the weather, the trend toward smaller chimneys.9. Nike won't give him a lucrative side-contract.8. Reindeer and elves have unionised, driving up his cost.7. New tax on flying sleighs.6. Insurance for flying a sleigh has tripled over the past two years.5. Needs extra cash to cover off-season gambling losses.4. Air traffic controllers demanding higher kickbacks.3. Cost of living increase at the North Pole.2. Children don't leave as many cookies as they used to.1. The Mrs. told him to.
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Singing Elf
What do you call an ELF who sings?A Wrapper!
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10 Days Of Christmas
The Twelve Days of a Redneck Christmas
On my first day of Christmas... pa gave to me,Some parts to a Mustang GT.On my second day of Christmas... pa gave to me,2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my third day of Christmas... pa gave to me,3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my forth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my fifth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,5 TURKEY WINGS 4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my sixth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS 4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my seventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my eighth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,8 manly dancers7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my ninth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,9 years probation8 manly dancers7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my tenth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,10 Copenhagen9 years probation8 manly dancers7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my eleventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,11 rasslin tickets10 Copenhagen9 years probation8 manly dancers7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my twelfth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,12 pack of Bud11 rasslin tickets10 Copenhagen9 years probation8 table dancers7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.