ZippersA mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up."The boy looked at her quizzically... "Why does it have to be a secret?"
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A large steel column next to my cubicle got whacked during the office
renovation and, as a result, a sharp spur stuck out from the side. The site
supervisor came over with a worker, pointed to the pole, and said, "That's
really sharp and could hurt someone. I want it filed down."
The worker reached out, touched it, and said "Ouch!" just as the supervisor
yelled "Don't touch it!"
When the worker looked at the blood welling up, the supervisor said, "Wow,
that *is* sharp!" and reached out and touched it. "Ouch!" he said, stuck his
finger in his mouth, and walked away with the worker.
Five minutes later, the worker came back with an underling. "That's what
needs to be filed down," he said. "It's really sharp." The underling reached
out and touched it. "Ow!" he yelped and yanked his finger away.
Fortunately he filed it down right there and then before anyone else could
verify how sharp it was.
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A courier came into our office with a bemused look on his face. He had been
looking for building address number 70, and in his words, "The street
numbers jumped from 69 (next door) to 71 (our building)."
I suggested, in my most sincere voice, that he might try across the road.
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I keep losing the war on poverty because my money keeps fraternizing with
the enemy.
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"Churchill Downs"
Vacationing in Kentucky, a friend and I spent the night at a small motel outside of Louisville. In the morning, I asked the woman at the desk for directions to Churchill Downs. Not able to tell us, she called her husband from the back room.
"Churchill Downs?" he asked. "That's the race-track, isn't it?" We nodded.
He hesitated and then said, "I'm pretty sure it's somewhere south of the university. I'm sorry, but I don't think I can be much help."
At that point his wife left the room. The husband looked over his shoulder to make sure she had disappeared. Then he winked at us, leaned over the counter and whispered, "Take Third Street through town, go past the university and turn right on Central Avenue. After that, just look for the twin spires. You can't miss 'em."
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When Hallmark Writers Have a Bad Day
My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire, I noticed your cat. Sorry!
Congratulations on your wedding day! (Too bad no one likes your spouse.)
How could two people as beautiful as you... Have such an ugly baby???
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind.
IAs the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... that you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion! Before you go... Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.
Someday I hope to get married... But not to you.
Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost lifelike!
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.
We have been friends for a very long time... What do ya say we call it quits?
I'm so miserable without you. It's almost like you're here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy! (Did you ever find out who the father was?)
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Alabama, Tennessee, West Virginia, and Mississippi)
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"Talking in Your Sleep"
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; his hobby was golf.
The other night, during a deep sleep, the man yelled, "Fore!"
His wife, also in a deep sleep and not missing a beat, yelled back, "Four fifty!"
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Oneliner
"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on the couch and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would be nice right now.'"- Kathleen Madigan
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"Brown Paper Pete"
A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"
The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers, and brown paper shoes."
"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," said the bartender.