"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl
would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it
stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime.
By the time I was 14, I owned my own home." --Gene Perret
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Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught recently
after fighting it for three hours.
Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you
took of that fish. You're lucky if it weighed 10 pounds."
Doug replied, "Well...a fish can lose an awful lot of weight
during three hours of fighting."
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My niece's class assignment was to interview a senior citizen
about his or her life, so she asked me, "What was the biggest
historical event that happened during your childhood?"
"I'd have to say the moonwalk," I replied.
She looked disappointed. "That dance was so important to you?"
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"The death Saturday of actor Charlton Heston has elicited tributes from many corners, including Nancy Reagan, who called him an American hero, President Bush who described him as an advocate for liberty, and apes, who called him Public Enemy Number One." --Seth Meyers
"A former Pentagon official said this week that before the start of the war in Iraq, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld gave the Bush administration a list of horribles, things he believed could go wrong, which the Bush administration apparently mistook for a to-do list." --Amy Poehler
"More bad news for the Detroit Tigers, they lost again last night. ... After winning the night before, they're now one and eight. Yeah. They won one, lost eight. Or, as Hillary Clinton calls that, first place." --Jay Leno
"According to his tax return last year, Vice President Cheney donated $166,000 to charity. ... Yeah, most of the money went to Cheney's favorite holiday charity, Coal for Tots." --Conan O'Brien
"You know they had hearings this week, about
"Hey, did you see that a fire burned down Hillary Clinton's campaign office in
"All three presidential candidates this week went on American Idol. Did they really think the same people who are interested in a superficial, poorly-run popularity contest are also interested in American Idol?" --Bill Maher
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Sacrcasm at Work
Dear Staff
It has been brought to the CEO's attention that some individuals throughout the organisation have been using sarcastic language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "Try Saying" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training
Instead Of: You don't have a blankety-blank clue, do you?
2. Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of: She's a power-crazed witch
3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of: And when the heck do you expect me to do this?
4. Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of: Buzz off jerkface
5. Try Saying: Really?
Instead Of: Well stand me on my head and call me a flower vase
6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a darn.
7. Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of: Not my gosh-darned problem.
8. Try Saying: That's interesting.
Instead Of: What the heck?
9. Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of: No blankety-blank chance mate.
10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of: Why the heck didn't you tell me that yesterday?
11. Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of: He's got his head where the sun don't shine.
12. Try Saying: Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of: Oi, jerk face.
13. Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of: Yeah, who needs blankety-blank holidays anyway?
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The Engineer's Song
(Sung to the Tune of the
Come and listen to a story bout a man named Jed,
A poor College Kid barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
He said "They'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on a computer",
Unix that is ... hard drives ... workstations;
Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer,
The kinfolk said "Jed move away from here",
They said "Arizona is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and moved to Ahwatukee,
Intel that is ... dry heat ... no amusement parks;
On his first day at work they stuck him in a cube,
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube,
They said "Your project's late but we know just what to do,
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you fifty-two!"
OT that is ... Unpaid ... Mandatory
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad,
Some schedules slipped and some managers were mad,
They called another meeting and decided on a fix,
The answer was simple, "We'll work him sixty-six"
Tired that is ... Stressed out ... No social life
Months turned into years and his hair was turning gray,
Jed worked hard while his life slipped away,
Waiting to retire when he turned sixty-four,
Instead he got a call and they escorted him out the door,
Laid-off that is ... Debriefed ... Unemployed ...
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More Common Tools Explained
To the unitiated, the workshop can be an intimidating place, full of tools you may not know what to do with. To help, here's a helpful explanation of more common tools and their uses.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DARNIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DARNIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
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Weird News
Students aim to set stuffed animal record
Mounds of stuffed animals crowded the gymnasium of the
"The kids were honestly wild, they were just so excited," Principal Moira O'Brien said. "It was really nice, mostly to remember why they did it."
The school has held a stuffed animal charity collection the past 12 years, linking
Some of the plush animals will be awarded to
The school reportedly has yet to hear if their Guinness World Record claim has been accepted.