Pun Contest
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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Diet WorkshopEveryone had weighed in, and our diet-workshop leader began her lecture on the week's topic - the problems of dining out. She talked about alternatives, such as requesting diet sodas and dressings, and having meat broiled instead of fried. Finally she turned the question over to the group for discussion. "What is the greatest problem you encounter when going out to eat?"Replied one woman quickly, "Running into you!"
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"Dad's are born without the sympathy gene. You can break your
leg, hobble into your house, and all your dad will do is look
over the paper and grumble, 'Shake it off!'" --Robert G. Lee
***
"My mom used to tell me not to eat so fast because it wasn't
good for me. So I put a strobe light over the table."
--Nick Arnette
***
"When it came to spankings, my dad never used a belt. One
time he grabbed a piece of my Hot Wheels race car track. In
my mind I'm thinking, 'Great, now I'm being beaten with my
own toys...' Thank God I didn't get that wood burning set I
wanted." --Scott Wood
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Because an increasing number of people are having heart
attacks while gambling, the big, high-class casinos are
now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are
computer-controlled to deliver the exact electric shock
needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you're
at a big, high-class casino.
At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across
the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.
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I almost got thrown out of my sister-in-law's house one year
at the holidays. I told them that I was thinking of opening
a restaurant (I did this with a straight face, so they thought
I was serious).
Her and her family at the time were vegetarians, but I said
I was going to open a restaurant that specialized in venison
dishes. I was going to call it, "The Buck Stops Here," and
my slogan was going to be, "Bambi: You've seen the movie.
Now, eat the star!"
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The Verge
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' Mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary." The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' Father's name was?" Another child said, "The Verge." Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?" The little one said, "Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge 'n' Mary."
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Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much
10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you. 9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall. 8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis. 7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet. 6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July. 5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!" 4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else. 3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department. 2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt. 1. You're sweatin' gravy.
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Judge's Announcement
A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. "The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. "In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."
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Hunting Flies
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting Flies," he responded. "Oh!, Killed any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
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How To Get That Fabulous Job
Arrive fashionably late.
Greet the interviewer as casually as you would your friends, like "Wass up?"
Bring a relative or pet with you.
If it's summer time, wear very little clothing so you can stay cool.
Also, wear bright, flashy colors, lots of jewelry, and extra cologne or
perfume to keep the mosquitoes away.
Play it cool by showing no enthusiasm for the job.
Or act desperate, like you'll take any job.
Ask about pay, vacation, coffee breaks and other things the company can do
for you, right off the bat.
Brag about how many interviews and job offers you have lined up.
Always interrupt the interview to take cell-phone calls from your bookie or
pimp.
Shuffle through important papers, work samples and such so you look
important.
Eating, drinking, or smoking is a great "icebreaker!" Don't forget to share.
Occasionally, fidget or squirm to stay awake.
Tell the interviewer you intend to go after his or her job.
Knowing little to nothing about the company or job description will give you
extra things to talk about, so play dumb.
Ask for a salary upfront.
Make statements or ask questions that reveal negative, underlying
implications, such as, "What happens if I'm late a lot?"
Criticize a former employer, coworker or boss to show them you're tough.
Stop the interview early, to make it to another on time. This shows them you
are a "hot" prospect.
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Official Mom Restraining Order
1. When at mall, Mom will remain no fewer than ten feet from teen at all
times.
2. When at movie theater, Mom will not sit closer than four seats in any
direction from teen.
3. Mom will not emerge from house nor appear at window when school bus is
arriving.
4. If Mom accompanies teen and friend(s) to restaurant, Mom must sit at
separate table.
5. On the off-chance that Mom is in the school building at the same time as
teen, she must not in any way acknowledge existence of teen.
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"A good listener is usually thinking about something else." - Kin Hubbard
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A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs." Picture this:All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tri ed to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!True story... Have a great day and remember... THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR. A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!