Saturday, July 28, 2007

hUMOR For July 28th

Advantages of Being Old

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

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Hamster CareAfter buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"

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"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's
ability to use language that makes him the dominant species
on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other
thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of
vacuum cleaners." —Jeff Stilson

***

"My father says, 'Marry a girl who has the same belief as
the family.' I said, 'Dad, why would I marry a girl who
thinks I'm a schmuck?'" -Adam Sandler

***

"The whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends.
If I wanted a long, boring story with no point to it, I've
got my life." --Jerry Seinfeld

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[collected, with family friendly edits, from Overheard in the
Office, Overheard on the Beach, and Overheard in New York.]

Marketing Guy: Why haven't you kept me up-to-date on this
account?

Ops Guy: I've cc'd you on every e-mail I sent to them!

Marketing Guy: I don't have time to read my e-mails. There's
too much information in them. If you send me an important
e-mail, give me a call to let me know I need to check it.

===

Blonde: Mmmm, it smells so good in here! Doesn't it smell
good in here? I love it! I just want to eat what's in my
nose right now!

Friend: I know!

===

Sales Guy, entering a meeting: Sorry I'm late....

Director of Marketing: You brought doughnuts? Coffee?

Sales Guy: Nooooo....

Director of Marketing: Then you're dead to us. Get out.

===

Father: You see, girls, there is an election coming up, and
so far we have only had boring white men. This time we could
have a black man or a woman as our president!

Four-year-old Daughter: But Daddy, we're white!

Father: Yes, but we aren't boring.

===

Teen, trying on a jacket: How does this look on me, on a
scale of one to ten, with five being in the middle?

===

Woman: He's very successful. I'm sure he's a millionaire by
now, and he's only 26. He never even graduated from college.

Girl: I'm soooooo jealous. I wish I didn't have an education.

===

Dude: I'm sick of drama, and I'm sick of people coming down
and crashing at my beach house. It's so annoying when people
just use my stuff. Can I have some of your water?

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Every morning during our coffee break, my co-workers and I
listened to the culinary disasters of a newlywed colleague.
We then tried to share some helpful hints and recipes.

One day she asked us for step-by-step instructions on cooking
sweet potatoes, one of her husband's favorites. "I've finally
been able to make them sweet," she said, "but how do you make
them orange?"

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Start at the Very Beginning

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch,
the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So
perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I
created the heavens and the earth..."

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On the Windows CD
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows on my PC, I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows CD. Too my astonishment and distress he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned it on. I was upset because the CD had become precious to me, but he said 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.' After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold and it seemed to have become thicker and heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, in lines finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth: 4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C 204F6E65204F5320746F2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F 6E65204F5320746F206272696E67207468656D20616C6C20 616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062696E64 207468656D 'I cannot read the fiery letters,' I said. 'No,' he said, 'but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says" 'One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them....

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Why do you want to join the Navy
Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, Why do you want to join the Navy, son? My father said it'd be a good idea, sir. Oh? And what does your father do? He's in the Army, sir.
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The Bear
A very wealthy lawyer vacationed for several weeks each year at his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Each summer, he would invite friends to come to visit him. One summer he invited a lawyer from Czechoslovakia to visit him. The friend, eager to see how a wealthy American vacationed, gratefully agreed. They had a wonderful vacation, and spent a great deal of time exploring the woods and enjoying the natural setting. One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were walking through the woods, they were approached by two huge bears -- a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. Seeing this, the lawyer ran to his Mercedes and sped for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed a high-powered rifle and they raced back to the berry patch. Luckily, the bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing at the bear that had consumed his friend. "Quick -- shoot it. Maybe we can still save my friend!" The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. His aim was true, and the female bear collapsed to the ground. The startled male fled into the woods. "Why did you do that?" demanded the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"

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Potato Jokes
Why did the potato cross the road? He saw a fork up ahead. How do you describe an angry potato?Boiling Mad. Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?Because he was a commontater. Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?He desperately wanted a scoop. What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?Anything, just butter him up. What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?It's mashing! What do you call a baby potato?A small fry!