Short Ones
An atheist is someone with no invisible means of support.
says to the driver, "Got any ID?" Driver says, "Bout what?"
A rock store was closed by the police -- they were taking
too
much for granite.
What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.
"The Insomniac," by Eliza Wake
Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
A letter carrier's career is a mail-dominated profession.
A guy goes into a second hand shop to buy one for his watch.
A job at the nursery can lead to a budding career.
Didja hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the
floor boards? He was just going through a stage.
The Italian government is considering installing a clock in
the
you have the inclination, but you don't have the time?
A farmer called his pig Ball Point. Well, it wasn't it's
real
name, just a pen name.
When the unemployed actor got a job with a demolition
company, he finally brought down the house.
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone will clean them?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be
hungry?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
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Foot Snuggle
On a chilly winter evening, a husband and wife were snuggled together
on the floor watching television. During a commercial break, he
reached over and gave her foot a gentle squeeze.
"Mmmmm," she said. "That's so sweet."
"Actually," he admitted sheepishly, "I thought that was the remote."
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"Baby Talk"
What your baby would tell you if he could talk:
1. I have my blankie, you have your caffeine. Enough said.
2. Don't be jealous, but I think I'm in love with the ceiling fan.
3. I know where the remote control is, but it'll cost you.
4. To you, it's just an empty egg carton; to me it's PlayStation 2.
5. Actually, I don't mind sitting in a bathtub that I've peed in.
6. Bang a screwdriver slowly and steadily into your gums. That's what teething feels like.
7. Two words I'd rather not hear from you: rectal thermometer.
8. There's no point in teaching me to say "mama" or "dada." My first word is going to be "hat."
9. I've told you five times what cow says. If you can't remember, I'm not telling you again.
10. There is no question that I can cry longer than you can listen.
11. I'm not just wildly throwing my food. I'm exploring the laws of gravity, estimating mass, and testing wind velocity.
12. If you wanted a good sleeper, you should have gotten a cat.
13. Who that baby in the mirror you keep asking me about?
14. If my bottom is so darn cute, why is someone always trying to cover it up?
15. Who are you two to tell me how important it is to sleep alone?
16. What you secretly believe is true: I am much smarter than other babies.
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CleanQuote
"The younger we are, the more we want to change the world. The older we are, the more we want to change the young."
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Illustration - "Twins"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A friend and I were shopping for dresses for her three-year-old girls to wear to a wedding. In the store, another girl staring intently at Sarah and Becky asked, "Are those girls twins?"
"Actually they're triplets," I said. "They have a brother at home."
"Wow," she replied. "They sure look like twins to me."
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Dead Weight
During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
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Captured Thief
One day we saw a news report on TV about the owner of a craft shop
and one of her employees who had apprehended a would-be thief and
held him captive until police arrived to arrest him.
As we listened to the story, my grandson commented dryly, "What did
they do? Hold him at needlepoint?"
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Weird News
Three siblings share birthday years apart
Billy Etkin of
The 36-year-old, whose wife is still recovering from the recent birth, said the June 13 births of his 5-year-old son Foster and his 2-year-old daughter Sarah have made the date lucky.
Etkin said his children's birth dates were not planned and expects it'll be crazy when all three birthdays are celebrated on the same day.
"I'm looking forward to them getting older and really appreciating it," Etkin told the Sun-Sentinel.
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Contenders battle in tree-climbing contest
Twenty-five climbers traveled from four Western states to take part in the climbing contest in
"The competition is really about pushing your own envelope. You're climbing a living organism. It's something that lives and moves," said Chad Brey, 32, a two-time winner for the Western Chapter of the International Society of Arboriculture.
Competitors train to master events with unusual names such as footlock, belayed speed climb, aerial rescue, throwline and work climb, the newspaper said.
The competition, which began in 1976, was scheduled to wrap up Sunday after the top five climbers were chosen. The final winner will get a chance to go to
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Newlywed Repairs
A man came home from the office and found his new bride
sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I
was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat
of your trousers."
"Oh, just forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that
I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."
"Yes, I know. And it's lucky you have!" said the woman,
drying her eyes. "I was able to use a piece from them to
patch the hole!"
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Hard Time Teller
A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a blankety-blank checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up darn it, I said I want to open a blankety-blank checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no darn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a blankety-blank checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir," the manager said, "and this wench is giving you a hard time?"
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Miraculous
A miracle drug is one that has now the same price as last year.
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Sartre's Coffee
The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: "Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?"
Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".
Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working. A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream -- how about with no milk?"
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Dealing With Bribes
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to