Meeting the Big Guy
A rich American tourist was holidaying overseas, and was intent on seeing the Big Guy. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Big Guy would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.
As the Big Guy made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him.
The Big Guy then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.
This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Big Guy would speak to him the next day.
The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Big Guy and hopefully exchange a few words. The Big Guy was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear..
"I thought I told you yesterday to get the heck out of here?!"
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A friend was thinking about buying a new house in the country and asked me
to come out and look at it. We found the town, but we couldn't locate the
road. We drove over to city hall, where a community get-together was going
on, and asked around, but no one had heard of the road. Even the policemen
and fire personnel were stumped.
We went in to city hall and consulted a map, with no luck, until finally one
young man came to our aid. He pointed to the map, showing us exactly how to
get there. I thanked the young man and asked if he was with the police or
fire department.
"Neither," he replied. "I deliver pizzas."
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"Grandma Shar, when you and Grandpa had your first baby, did Grandpa ever handle
the middle-of-the-night feeding asked Nikki Rae"
"No. I always did that."
"That must have been before you had women's liberation said Nikkie Rae."
"No, it was before we had baby bottles said Grandma Shar"
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You know the kids are growing up when your daughter begins to put on
lipstick and your son starts to wipe it off.
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At the end of our first date the girl told me I was crazy in
the head and I should be committed to a mental institution.
Why do women always want us to make a commitment? --Unknown
***
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to
say and then don't say it. --Sam Levenson
***
After the accident, I told the police officer I thought the
driver of the other vehicle was drunk. He told me the other
vehicle was a cow.
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A few years ago we were desperately trying to sell our house,
which was situated on a busy thoroughfare. Our real estate
agent decided to have open-house inspection nearly every day
to promote the sale. We instructed the children not to talk
to anyone about the house.
One evening a man took our seven-year-old daughter aside and
asked if our house had any secrets he should know. Her first
reaction was to smile and ignore his question. But he became
more persistent and, finally, she confessed there was one
secret but she could not tell it to him.
"Now we're getting somewhere," he said. "Tell me the secret.
I promise I won't tell anyone."
She looked him straight in the eye and whispered, "We have
monsters in our sewer."
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In the office where I work, there is a constant battle
between our technical-support director and customer-service
personnel over the room temperature, which is usually too
low.
The frustrated director, trying to get us to understand his
position, announced one afternoon, "We need to keep the
temperature below seventy-five degrees or the computers
will overheat."
Thinking that this was just another excuse, one of my
shivering colleagues retorted, "Yeah right. So how did they
keep the computers from overheating before there was air
conditioning?"
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"Actually, political experts say that Mitt Romney has the No. 1 thing John McCain is looking for in a vice presidential candidate - an organ donor card." --Jay Leno
"President Bush says if John McCain is the Republican nominee, he will campaign for him. Well, you can't do better than that." --David Letterman
"Former President George H.W. Bush will endorse Senator John McCain for president. They have been close friends since the Civil War and the former president says that John McCain is the only candidate who has the strength, the leadership and the vision to dig America out of this giant hole his son has put us in." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Did you see Roger Clemens testifying this week before Congress? One congressman named Elijah Cummings called Clemens, "One of my heroes," and then called him a liar. So, I guess that's what makes you a hero to a congressman pretty much." --Jay Leno
"This week in
"On Bill O'Reilly's show on Fox, Bill O'Reilly does a segment he calls 'Pinhead or Patriot.' And today President Bush said, 'Well, why can't you be both?'" --Jay Leno
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Rude Parrot
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly upset now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so upset that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
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I Feel Like a Bridge
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a bridge.
The Doctor says, "What's come over you?"
The guy says, "Three cars and a truck!"
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Price of a Close Shave
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
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Accounting Interview
Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview
for a good paying job. The company boss asked various
questions about him and his education, but then asked him,
"What is three times seven?"
"Twenty-two," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked
it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to
the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.
About two weeks later, Rick got a letter that said he was
hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in
the mouth, but he was still very curious. The next day, he
went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got
such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said,
"Well, you were the closest."
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Money talks, but credit has an echo.
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Strange Facts
"Babies of blue whale weigh up to 7 tonnes at birth"