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Thanks to Marti -- Tator Garden
An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to
spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work.
His only son, who would have helped him, was in
prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and
mentioned his situation.
Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks
like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this
year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because your
mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting
too old to digging up a garden plot.
If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I
know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in
prison. Love, Dad
Shortly, the old man received this telegram: "For
Heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up the garden!! That's
where I buried the GUNS!" At 4a.m. the next morning, A
dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up
and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son
telling him what happened, and asked him what to do
next. His son's reply was: "Go ahead and plant your
potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do for you from
here."
- Moral Of the Story -
NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE IN THE WORLD, IF YOU HAVE
DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING DEEP FROM YOUR HEART, YOU CAN
DO IT.
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Did you hear about the crossword puzzle addict who
died and was
buried six feet down ahd three across?
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From a friend... Simple Misunderstanding
Soon after my 16-year-old sister started working after
school as a grocery-store cashier, I went to see how
she was doing.
I tried to make myself inconspicuous as I waited to
check out my purchases. Ahead of me was a young man
who was flirting with my sister. Both embarrassed and
amused by his advances, she continued to ring up his
groceries. Finally the persistent fellow ventured,
"Would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?"
Oblivious to his questions and adhering to her
employee training, she asked him, "How will you be
paying?"
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King Ozymndias of Assyria was running low on cash
after years of war with the Hittites. His last great
possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most
valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he
went to Crosus, the pawnbroker, to get a loan.
Crosus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King
protested. Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Crosus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes
no difference who you are."
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Q. Why do blondes leave empty milk cartons in their
refrigerator?
A. In case someone wants black coffee.
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Boating Jargon...
Scuttlebutt - A butt was a barrel. Scuttle meant to
chop a hole in something. The scuttlebutt was a water
barrel with a hole cut into it so that sailors could
reach in and dip out drinking water. The scuttlebutt
was the place where the ship's gossip was exchanged.
Garbled - Garbling was the prohibited practice of
mixing rubbish with the cargo. A distorted, mixed up
message was said to be garbled.
No Great Shakes - When casks became empty they were
"shaken" (taken apart) so the pieces, called shakes,
could be stored in a small space. Shakes had very
little value.
Fly-by-Night - A large sail used only for sailing
downwind and requiring rather little attention.
Start Over with a Clean Slate - A slate tablet was
kept near the helm on which the watch keeper would
record the speeds, distances, headings and tacks
during the watch. If there were no problems during the
watch, the slate would be wiped clean so that the new
watch could start over with a clean slate
Let the Cat Out of the Bag - In the Royal Navy the
punishment prescribed for most serious crimes was
flogging. This was administered by the Bosun's Mate
using whip called a cat o' nine tails. The "cat" was
kept in a leather or baize bag. It was considered bad
news indeed when the cat was let out of the bag. Other
sources attribute the expression to the old english
market scam of selling someone a pig in a poke (bag)
when the pig turned out to be a cat instead.
Taking the wind out of his sails - Sailing in a manner
so as to steal or divert wind from another ship's
sails.
Son of a Gun - When in port, and with the crew
restricted to the ship for any extended period of
time, wives and ladies of easy virtue often were
allowed to live aboard along with the crew.
Infrequently, but not uncommonly, children were born
aboard, and a convenient place for this was between
guns on the gun deck. If the child's father was
unknown, they were entered in the ship's log as "son
of a gun".
A Square Meal - In good weather, crews' mess was a
warm meal served on square wooden platters.
The Devil to Pay - To pay the deck seams meant to seal
them with tar. The devil seam was the most difficult
to pay because it was curved and intersected with the
straight deck planking. Some sources define the
"devil" as the below-the-waterline-seam between the
keel and the adjoining planking.Paying the Devil was
considered to be a most difficult and unpleasant task.
Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea - The devil
seam was the curved seam in the deck planking closest
to the side of the ship and next to the scupper
gutters. If a sailor slipped on the deck, he could
find himself between the devil and the deep blue sea.
Above Board - Anything on or above the open deck. If
something is open and in plain view, it is above
board.
Under the Weather - If a crewman is standing watch on
the weather side of the bow, he will be subject to the
constant beating of the sea and the ocean spray. He
will be under the weather.
Slush Fund - A slushy slurry of fat was obtained by
boiling or scraping the empty salted meat storage
barrels. This stuff called "slush" was often sold
ashore by the ship's cook for the benefit of himself
or the crew. The money so derived became known as a
slush fund.
Toe the Line - When called to line up at attention,
the ship's crew would form up with their toes touching
a seam in the deck planking.
The Bitter End - The end of an anchor cable is
fastened to the bitts at the ship's bow. If all of the
anchor cable has been payed out you have come to the
bitter end.
Pipe Down - Means stop talking and be quiet. The Pipe
Down was the last signal from the Bosun's pipe each
day which meant "lights out" and "silence".
Pipe Down - Means stop talking and be quiet. The Pipe
Down was the last signal from the Bosun's pipe each
day which meant "lights out" and "silence".
Footloose - The bottom portion of a sail is called the
foot. If it is not secured, it is footloose and it
dances randomly in the wind.
To Know the Ropes - There were miles and miles of
cordage in the rigging of a square rigged ship. The
only way of keeping track of and knowing the function
of all of these lines was to know where they were
located. It took an experienced seaman to know the
ropes.
Over the Barrel - The most common method of punishment
aboard ship was flogging. The unfortunate sailor was
tied to a grating, mast or over the barrel of a deck
cannon.
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Centipede
A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to
buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, (100-legged bug),
which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church
with me today?
We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him
again
"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he
waited a few minutes more,thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up
against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey,
in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about The
Lord!?"
A little voice came out of the box:................... "I heard you
the first time!
I'm putting on my shoes."