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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter
at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must
each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into
heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he
said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter
said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set
of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint
Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his
pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's glasses.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carol's."
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"Frosted Windshields"
During the winter months in southwestern
Pennsylvania it is not unusual to go out to your
vehicle on a bright, sunny morning, only to find your
windshield covered with frost. Last Friday was such a
day. I went out to run errands and found the icy
layer covering my windshield. I was in a hurry and
had no de-icer or ice scraper with which to clear the
glass. I noticed the sun had risen over the eastern
mountains, so I turned the truck so the windshield was
exposed directly to the sun. In less than 5 seconds
the frost was melted due to the power of the sun.
Kind of like the power of the Son, is it not?
Have you ever considered the power of the Son on
a heart frozen by sin and guilt? The Son has the
power to melt the hardened heart; however, just as the
frozen windshield had to be turned to the sun, so must
our hearts be turned to the Son in order for melting
to occur. Turn your heart and the hearts of others to
the Son through prayer and Bible study. There is no
heart so hard or guilt so deep that the Son cannot
melt it away. The Son is waiting. The power is
there. Are you turned toward the Son?
-J. Watson
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Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Trouble Escalates in
France
AP and UPI reported today that the French government
announced that it has raised its terror alert level
from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The raise
was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed
France's white flag factory, thereby disabling its
military.
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Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- DO YOU LOVE SOMEONE THIS
MUCH?
A girl and guy were speeding over 100 mph on the road
on a motorcycle...
Girl: Slow down. Im scared.
Guy: No this is fun.
Girl: No its not. Please, its too scary!
Guy: Then tell me you love me.
Girl: Fine, I love you. Slow down!
Guy: Now give me a BIG hug.
Girl hugs him
Guy: Can you take my helmet off & put it on yourself?
Its bugging me.
In the paper the next day :( A motorcycle had crashed
into a building because of brake failure. Two people
were on it, but only one had survived.
The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy
realized that his brakes broke, but he didn't want to
let the girl know Instead, he had her say she loved
him & felt her hug him one last time, then had her
wear his helmet so that she would live even though it
meant that he would die.
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Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- The Resume of Jesus Christ
Address: Ephesians 1:20
Phone: Romans 10:13
Website: The Bible. Keywords: Christ, Lord, Savior and
Jesus
Hello. My name is Jesus -The Christ. Many call me
Lord! I've sent you my resume because I'm seeking the
top management position in your heart. Please
consider my accomplishments as set forth in my resume.
Qualifications
• I founded the earth and established the heavens,
(See Proverbs 3:19)
• I formed man from the dust of the ground, (See
Genesis 2:7)
• I breathed into man the breath of life, (See Genesis
2:7)
• I redeemed man from the curse of the law, (See
Galatians 3:13)
• The blessings of the Abrahamic Covenant comes upon
your life through me, (See Galatians 3:14)
Occupational Background
• I've only had one employer, (See Luke 2:49).
• I've never been tardy, absent, disobedient, slothful
or disrespectful.
• My employer has nothing but rave reviews for me,
(See Matthew 3:15-17)
Skills Work Experiences
• Some of my skills and work experiences include:
empowering the poor to be poor no more, healing the
brokenhearted, setting the captives free, healing the
sick, restoring sight to the blind and setting at
liberty them that are bruised, (See Luke 4:18).
• I am a Wonderful Counselor, (See Isaiah 9:6).
People who listen to me shall dwell safely and shall
not fear evil, (See Proverbs 1:33).
• Most importantly, I have the authority, ability
and power to cleanse you of your sins, (See I John
1:7-9)
Educational Background
• I encompass the entire breadth and length of
knowledge, wisdom and understanding, (See Proverbs
2:6).
• In me are hid all of the treasures of wisdom and
knowledge, (See Colossians 2:3).
• My Word is so powerful; it has been described as
being a lamp unto your feet and a lamp unto your path,
(See Psalms 119:105).
• I can even tell you all of the secrets of your
heart, (See Psalms 44:21).
Major Accomplishments
• I was an active participant in the greatest
Summit Meeting of all times, (See Genesis 1:26).
• I laid down my life so that you may live, (See II
Corinthians 5:15).
• I defeated the archenemy of God and mankind and
made a show of them openly, (See Colossians 2:15).
• I've miraculously fed the poor, healed the sick
and raised the dead!
• There are many more major accomplishments, too
many to mention here. You can read them on my website,
which is located at: www dot - the BIBLE. You don't
need an Internet connection or computer to access my
website.
References
• Christians the world over can attest to the power
I have exerted in their lives for good -- alcoholics
reformed, criminals gone straight, cheating spouses
being faithful, and etc.
In Summation
Now that you've read my resume, I'm confident that I'm
the only candidate uniquely qualified to fill this
vital position in your heart. In summation, I will
properly direct your paths, (See Proverbs 3:5-6), and
lead you into everlasting life, (See John 6:47). When
can I start? Time is of the essence, (See Hebrews
3:15).
Send this resume to everyone you know, you never know
who may have an opening!
Thanks for your help and may the blessings of My
Father be yours!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Dieter's Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips
Were Fanny May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.
>From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess
My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night
In the morning I'll starve... 'till I take that first bite!