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Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Bird Flu
(Sorry in advance, but it was just too funny...
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of
symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the
following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to poop on someone's
windshield
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A college professor had the mysterious habit of
walking into the lecture hall each morning, removing
a tennis ball from his jacket pocket. He would set it
on the corner of the podium. After giving the lecture
for the day, he would once again pick up the tennis
ball, place it into his jacket pocket, and leave the
room. No one ever understood why he did this, until
one day. . ..
A student fell asleep during the lecture. The
professor never missed a word of his lecture while he
walked over to the podium, picked up the tennis ball
and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely on
the top of the head.
The next day, the professor walked into the room,
reached into his jacket, removed a baseball. . . No
one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the
semester!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and
cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's
office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy
bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school
playground, and figured out how to attach nine patches onto
my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several
Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's
red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room
between cycles, and who knows when I'll find any more free
time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of
chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already
have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong
enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle
in the grocery store.
I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the
seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car
with fingerprint-resistant windows and a radio that plays
only big-people music; a television that doesn't broadcast
any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator
with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can
hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll
that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence,
along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't
fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up
without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording
of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room"
and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice
seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can
be heard only by the dog.
And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the hottest
stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It
comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to
crumble on any carpet, making the in-laws' house seem just
like mine.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle
for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the
same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room
temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam
container.
If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles
to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble
to declare ketchup a vegetable? It would clear my conscience
immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my
children to help around the house without demanding payment
as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or
if my toddler didn't look so cute sneaking downstairs in his
pajamas to eat contraband ice cream at midnight.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son
saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants
his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your
wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire
so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the
table, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours Always, Mom
P.S. One more thing: You can cancel all my requests if you
can keep my children young...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to G&L R: Christmas Memo
Of the same vain: S. Claus North Pole
I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I
will no longer be able to serve the Southern United
States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming
population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated
by North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now
serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois,
Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better
contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and
cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I am certain
that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement who happens to be my third cousin,
Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South
Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the
good boys and girls. However, there are a few
differences between us such as:
1. There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your
presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his
sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys
insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers
that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a
moon pie] on the fireplace and Bubba doesn't smoke a
pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared,
flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the
mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer, one
time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and
Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll
hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and
Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And
you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I
her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus'
sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the
back with the words "Back off". The last I heard it
also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One
is a Ford logo with lights that race through the
letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa
Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle
on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not
be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead,
you'll see "Boss Hog Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and
the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus
and dozens of state police cars crashing into each
other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd
make sure the wife and the kids turn the other way
when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung
about me, like "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and
Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This
year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the
AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will
be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox";
Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman
and a Six Pack", and Johnny Paycheck's "If You Don't
Like Bubba Claus, Shove It."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
(Member) North American Fairies and Elves
Local #209
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thought you might get a chuckle here
Men Are Just Happier People ...
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
...snip...
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will
enjoy reading it