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Positive Start
How to start your day with a positive outlook.
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....
7. Feel better?
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"If God had wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees."
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Library Glasses
My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three. When he was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed. Wanting to find out what was the matter his mother asked, "Chris, what happened today to upset you so?"
He answered, "It's not fair that I'm not allowed to go to the library."
His mother became very concerned and asked, "Why aren't you allowed to go to the library?"
With a tearful reply he said, "Because, in order to go to the library you have to have super-vision, and I wear glasses!"
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Long ago there was once an old native American who wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?"
"Take jewellery to city and sell it," was the response.
"What have you got for collateral?"
"Don't know collateral."
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.Have you got any vehicles?"
"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."
The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a horse."
"How old is it?"
"Don't know, has no teeth."
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several
weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out
a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.
"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"
"Put in tepee."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.
"Don't know deposit."
"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for
you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."
The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"
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When Stalin completed 25 years of his rule over Russia, he wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it.
He so instructed the Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and become furious.
He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter.
The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Stalin.
He said: "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"
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Hang glider
In Arkansas, you don't see too many people
hang-gliding.
Bubba decided to save up and get a hang glider. He
took it to the highest mountain, and after struggling
to the top, he got ready to take flight. He took off
running and reached the edge. Into the wind he went.
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch
swing talkin' bout the good ol' days when Maw spotted
the biggest bird she had ever seen !
"Look at the size of that bird, Paw !" she exclaimed.
Paw raised up," Git my gun, Maw."
She ran into the house, and got out his pump shotgun.
He took careful aim. BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! The
monster size bird continued to sail silently over the
tree tops.
"I think ya missed him, Paw." she says.
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"
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Thanks to Marti -- An Atheist and a Bear
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods,
admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What
beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was
walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the
casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right
towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked
over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing,
He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his
shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His
heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He
tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick
himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him,
reaching for him with his left paw and raising his
right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out
of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these
years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit
creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to
help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as
a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would
be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me
as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear
a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the
sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought
both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord,
for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."