A Lawyer Question
A lawyer was asked if he would like to become a Jehovah's
Witness.
He declined, stating that he hadn't seen the accident. He
did say, however, that he would still be interested in
taking the case.
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Strange Facts
"The average ice berg weighs 20,000,000 tons!"
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The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. The questions are NOT that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
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The Wonders of Modern Technology
A young man wanted to get his beautiful wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. She was very excited, and loved her new phone. He showed it to her and explained to her all the features on the phone.
The next day, she went shopping. Her phone rang and it was her husband.
"Hi, honey," he said. "How do you like your new phone?"
She replied "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand."
"What's that, baby?" asked the husband.
"How did you know I was at the mall?"
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Restaurant Specials
My wife and I run a small restaurant where we often name our specials
after our employees. Dishes like: "Chicken Mickey," after our
dishwasher who gave us the recipe, and "Rod's Ribs," after a waiter
who had his personal style of barbecue.
One evening after rereading the menu, I broke with this tradition and
changed the description of the special we had named after our chef.
Despite her skills and excellent reputation, somehow I didn't think
an entree named: "Salmon Ella" would go over big with our customers.
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Pastor's Wife Gets a Dress
One Sunday afternoon, the pastor's wife returned home with
an expensive dress in hand. When her husband asked her about
it, she explained.
"Well, I was on my way to put the church's offering money in
the bank, but I saw this amazing dress in the shop window. I
was just trying it on when the Devil appeared and started
tempting me to buy it."
At this point, the pastor was beginning to become angry.
"Why didn't you just use scripture and say, 'Get thee behind
me, Satan'?"
The wife sheepishly answered, "I did, but the Devil said,
'It looks even better from back here!'"
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"The Wall Street Journal reports this week that the candy
industry is so worried about falling candy sales they are
now adding caffeine to their candy. Well, that's every
parent's worst nightmare — a fat kid who’s up all night."
-Jay Leno
***
"I want to get this off my chest: For the past 20 years,
I have been using performance-enhancing vodka."
-David Letterman
***
"Good news for Barack Obama. The founders of Ben & Jerry's
ice cream are endorsing Barack Obama instead of Hillary
catchier name than 'Pantsuits & Cream.'" -Conan O'Brien
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A lady answered her front door to find a plumber standing
there. "I'm here to fix the leaky pipe," he announced.
"I didn't call a plumber," said the lady.
"What?" huffed the plumber. "Aren't you Mrs. Snyder?"
The Snyders moved out of this house over a year ago," ex-
plained the lady.
"How do you like that," grunted the plumber. "They call
you up and tell you it's an emergency and then they move
away!"
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A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things
were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told
when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me,
and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was
asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees
and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final
arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
The man quickly answered. "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
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Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
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T-Rex
Why couldn't the T-Rex catch the mammal?
Because it was fast food!
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The Slow Racehorse
The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race.
He turned on the jockey.
"Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?"
"Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."
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Two Troublemakers
A couple had two little mischievous boys, Stan & Vernie ages
Stan & Vernie’s mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent Vernie first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger Vernie down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The Vernie's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the Vernie made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the Vernie's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
Vernie screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother Stan found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
Vernie, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"