My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative
state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my beer!
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Too Good to Be True
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:
"Fridge for sale $50."
The next day someone stole it.
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Amish Humor
Sign behind an Amish carriage:
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats. CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!"
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R.I.P.
When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.
I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.
I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.
I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.
When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."
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Driving Test
A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
"What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car?" asks the police officer.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah? Let's see you do it," says the officer.
So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
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Fast Driver
My mother has a "lead foot," so I was not surprised when a
state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through
Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear
shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.
"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to
the officer.
"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires
out?"
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Hamberger Seeds
Little Vernie went, out to McDonald's for dinner one evening for a "guy night"with his dad.
As we were eating our hamburgers, Jacob asked "Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?"
I responded that they were tiny seeds and were okay to eat.
He was quiet for a couple of minutes and I could tell he was in deep thought.
Finally, Vernie looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our backyard, we'll have enough hamburgers to last forever."
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Potato Problem
Upon going away to college, my former brother-in-law received a hand
mixer from his mother because of his fondness for mashed potatoes.
Later that semester, she asked him how the mixer was working for him.
"Not very good," Terry said, "the potatoes keep flying all over the kitchen."
After a perplexed pause, his mother asked, "Terry, did you cook the
potatoes first?"
To which a surprised Terry responded, "You have to cook the potatoes first?"
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"People are going on dates now to coffee bars. This is the
worst idea. Four cappuccinos later, your date doesn't look
any better." --Margot Black
***
"I hate driving, and I hate when people honk at me. Unless
I'm making a left turn. Then I like it because that's how
I know it's time to turn." --Rita Rudner
***
"The only comfort you can take from eating at a Denny's is
that you know for sure that all over
at a Denny's is just as unhappy as you are." --Drew Carey
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One day a mother took her 6-year-old son with her to visit
a friend at work. Everyone there knew her, and she was
offered a cup of coffee. That day, as one of the employees
went to make more coffee, her son followed her and asked,
"What are you doing?"
"I'm making your mom's favorite drink," she answered.
Imagine the woman's shock when she heard her son say, "Wow!
You know how to make beer?"
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A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm
going to shoot him!"
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House of the Rising Sun
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for some time.
She shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
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You know it's July in
- Hot water comes out of both taps.
- You find out that a seatbelt buckle makes a pretty nice branding iron.
- The trees are whistling for the dogs.
- You find out that you can get sunburned through your car window.
- The birds need to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
- You burn your hand opening the car door.
- The temperature drops below 95 and you put on a sweater.
- You can make instant sun tea.
- Shade determines the best parking space, not distance.
- Farmers feed their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
- When you step outside at 7:30 a.m., you break into a sweat.
- Potatoes cook underground. This is convenient because all you have to do is pull one out and add salt, pepper and butter.
- You discover that asphalt has a liquid state.
- You realize that it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
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Star Wars Version of "You Might Be a Redneck If..."
- Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
- You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.
- You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.
- At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored
- There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder
- You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder
- You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok
- You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks
- You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
- You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.
- The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.
- Wookies are offended by your B.O.