I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
"Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blond young lady, gave me a strange look and said,
"Why don't you just put it in park?"
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Automation?
With HIPAA regulations in full force, this hospital IT technician reminds
users that when they print reports containing patient information, those
reports can't be left in the printer tray. "They must be either secured
under lock and key or shredded," he says. But one user has a problem: "I
don't always have time to pick up my reports from the printer. Is there any
way I can set up my PC so I can send my documents directly to the shredder?"
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THE WAY IT WAS BACK THEN !!!!!!!!!!! AND THIS IS THE TRUTH!!!!!!
My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes too, our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag not in icepack coolers, but I can't remember getting ecoli?Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.We all took gym, not PE ... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training ath letic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries, but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now. Flunking gym was not an option. Even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson [and provided comic relief] by running in the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and hitting the wet spot. How much better off would we be today if we only knew we could have sued the school system.Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.We must have had horribly damaged psyches. I can't understand it.Schools didn't offer 14 year olds an abortion or condoms (we wouldn't have known what either was anyway) but they did give us a couple of baby aspirin and cough syrup if we started getting the sniffles. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Stations, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. I must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize through the denial of the dangers could have befallen us as we trekked off each day about a half mile down the road to some guy's vacant lot, built forts out of branches and pieces of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the Lone Ranger. What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on that lot? He should have been locked up for not putting up a fence around the property, complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared intruder alarm.Oh yeah . and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacantconstruction sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48 cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids called it "monkey blood" and liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked (physical abuse) here too and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee, kids choked down the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks (Remember why Tonka trucks were made tough, it wasn't so that they could take the rough Berber in the family room), and Dad drove a car with leaded gas.Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play, and I am sure that I nearly exhausted my imagination a couple of times when we went on two week vacations. I should probably sue the folks now for the danger they put us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent.Summers were spent behind the push lawn mower and I didn't even know that m owers came with motors until I was 13, and we got one without an automatic blade-stop and it did not have powered wheels. How sick were my parents?Of course my parents weren't the only psychos. I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that we needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes?We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?Think about it before you laugh, this is not a joke, it's the way it was in the good old days...
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A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.
"Your Honor," he said, " I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in his blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty!' So your Honor, I can not possibly stay on this jury!"
With a tired annoyance, the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer."
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My friend Mary used to plant daffodils
in the woods behind her house.....not in a row, but at
random. Always, it was a delightful surprise to spot
them. She called me one day and said simply, "What a
wonderful day to be a daffodil."
My imagination did the rest. I pictured myself as a
daffodil gently bobbing in the breeze. Stress was
gone. I smiled all day whenever I thought about being
a daffodil protected by the surrounding woods, gently
kissed by streaks of sunlight, and tickled by gentle
winds. Although we don't have wings to carry us, we
do have imagination.
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Economics Exam
Not expecting to do well on the economics exam, Bill was heartened by the first question: In any given year, and to the nearest ton, how much wheat did the United States export?
Smiling confidently, he wrote, "In 1492, none."
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Be more like a child today, for children sing whether they sound good or not."
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Foolishness
On the Upper West Side lived a man who was a very militant atheist but he sent his son to Trinity School because, despite its Christian roots, it was a great school. After a month, the boy comes home and says casually, "By the way Dad, do you know what Trinity means? It means the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost."
The father can barely control his rage. He seizes his son by the shoulders and declares, "Danny, I'm going to tell you something now and I want you never to forget it. There is only one God and we don't believe in Him!"
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Skipping church Elder Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to deliver the sermon for him that day. After Elder Norton was certain the Associate Pastor left for church, he headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his local church. Setting up on the first tee, he was absolutely alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and all the good church people he knew were in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from heaven and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Elder Norton hit the ball … it shot straight toward the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420-YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell? Nobody’s going to believe a story like this from a golfer with a 23 handicap!"
MORALE: Only liars must remember what they lied about and can never set things straight without admitting to being a liar!