A salesman was assigned to secure an important client but failed in his
mission. He faxed his secretary and asked her to break the news indirectly
to his boss. His note read, "Failed in securing client, prepare the boss."
He received the following fax from his secretary: "The boss is prepared.
Prepare yourself."
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I am a first-grade teacher and a new empty-nester. One night I was trying
out an art project: making a person
with simple materials. I took a coat hanger, attached a paper-plate face,
put a shirt on the hanger, and stuffed it. Then I set it on the couch to
see how it looked.
Later that evening, my son walked through the door, home for a surprise
visit. Taking one look at my coat-hanger friend sitting on the couch, he
said, "Mom, it's not that bad, is it?"
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I am a first-grade teacher and a new empty-nester. One night I was trying
out an art project: making a person
with simple materials. I took a coat hanger, attached a paper-plate face,
put a shirt on the hanger, and stuffed it. Then I set it on the couch to
see how it looked.
Later that evening, my son walked through the door, home for a surprise
visit. Taking one look at my coat-hanger friend sitting on the couch, he
said, "Mom, it's not that bad, is it?"
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Tea Service"
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in
which my arm had been broken. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
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CleanQuote
"Vision is not enough; it must be combined with venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps. We must step up the stairs."
- Vaclav Havel
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CleanQuote
"Vision is not enough; it must be combined with venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps. We must step up the stairs."
- Vaclav Havel
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"Invitation"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones chests, would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe, but she never got a response equal to four-year old David's comment.
Gently she tucked the stethoscope into his ears and placed the disk over his heart. "Listen", she said..........."What do you suppose that is?"
He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap - tap - tapping deep in his chest. Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin and he asked, "Is that Jesus knocking?"
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Free Haircut
After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, and haircut, he placed a little boy in the chair.
"I'm going to buy a tie real quick," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the little boy's haircut was complete and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the little boy.
"He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, kid, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
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On Somewhat Of A Serious Note. The names in the story below have been changed to protect the innocent, as they used to say on Dragnet.
Dan, The Duck & The Devil
Danny was a little boy visiting his grandparents on
their farm. He was given a slingshot to play with out
in the woods. He practiced in the woods; but he could
never hit the target. Getting a little discouraged, he
headed back for dinner. As he was walking back he saw
Grandma's pet duck. Just out of impulse, he let the
slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the head and
killed it. He was shocked and grieved!
In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile;
only to see his sister watching! Judy had seen it
all, but she said nothing.
After lunch the next day Grandma said, "Judy, let's
wash the dishes" But Judy said, "Grandma , Danny told
me he wanted to help in the kitchen." Then she
whispered to him, "Remember the duck?" So Danny did
the dishes.
Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted
to go fishing and Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need
Judy to help make supper." Judy just smiled and
said, "Well that's all right because Danny told me he
wanted to help" She whispered again, "Remember the
duck?" So Judy went fishing and Danny stayed to help
After several days of Danny doing both his chores and
Judy's; he finally couldn't stand it any longer. He came
to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck.
Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug and said,
"Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the
window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love
you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you
would let Judy make a slave of you."
Thought for the day and every day thereafter? Keep an eye on your scamming sister.
Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done...
and the devil keeps throwing it up in your face
(lying, cheating, debt, fear, bad habits, hatred,
anger, bitterness, etc.)...whatever it is ...You need
to know that God was standing at the window and He saw
the whole thing. He has seen your whole life. He wants you to know that He loves you and that you are forgiven.
He's just wondering how long you will let the devil
make a slave of you. The great thing about God is
that when you ask for forgiveness; He not only
forgives you, but He forgets. It is by God's grace and
mercy that we are saved
Go ahead and make the difference in someone's life
today. Share this with a friend and always remember:
God is at the window!
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Feeling Old?
About 15 years ago, my brother and I were shopping in a record store
in the downtown plaza. He was trying to find music recordings
related to the concert known as "
teen-aged clerk asked if she could be of assistance.
"Yes, I'm trying to find recordings of
The young lady looked very puzzled and I knew she had no clue, but I
had no idea how badly she had no clue until she spoke...
"
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Announcement from the Pulpit
The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then,
but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants
would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the
minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual
Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend
told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from
the pulpit the next Sunday.
In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly
agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly
remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he
was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That
morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his
face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we
begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to
thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and
for the spirit in which they were given!"
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Strange Facts
"85% of your brain is water."
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The Gut Fart
Vern and Dottie have been married for 20 years. Every morning for 20 years, Vern wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.
Every morning for 20 years, Samantha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"
One Thanksgiving morning, Dottie is preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before Vern gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.
Well, later that morning, Vern wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the
bathroom. Dottie laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Vern has been in the bathroom for almost an hour.
She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Vern opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."