Magna Carta
A bus load of tourists arrives at
A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"
"1215," answers the guide.
The man looks at his watch and says, "Darn! Just missed it by a half hour!"
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"Prison Joke Book"
It was Mickey's first night in the penitentiary. All of the inmates were in their cells and he was trying to become a bit more comfortable with his meager surroundings. As he leaned against the bars at the front of his cell, Mickey heard a voice call out "44" and the whole cell block erupted into laughter!
Another voice called "16" and again there was laughter.
A third voice called "62" which was followed by laughter throughout the block.
Mickey didn't know what was going on so he rapped on his cell wall.
"Yeah, whaddaya want?" came the gruff reply from next door.
"What's going on, here?" asked Mickey.
"Well," said the other inmate, "down in the prison library there's only one joke book. We've all read the book so many times that we don't waste time telling the joke, we just call out it's number."
So the next day Mickey went down to the library and, sure enough, found the yellowed, dog-eared joke book and read it from cover to cover.
That night, wanting to be part of the group, Mickey confidently called out "44" and everyone laughed! He tried calling "16" and "62" and again there were peals of laughter. Then he called 57, and the halls rang with laughter.
After several minutes, one prisoner was still rolling on the floor laughing. More minutes - still laughing.
Mickey rapped on the cell wall.
"Yeah, waddaya want?" asked the other inmate.
"I don't understand it," asked Mickey, "Why is Tommy STILL laughing?"
"Well," said the gruff inmate, "He'd never heard that one before!"
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Oneliner
"Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft - today, it's called golf."
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CleanPun - "Bridge Club"
My wife made me join a bridge club.
I jump off next Saturday.
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"Q&A from an AARP Forum"
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Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant!
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Q: How can you avoid spotting wrinkles every time you walk by a mirror?
A: Take off your glasses.
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Q: Why should 60+ year-old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
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Q: Is it common for 60+ year-olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
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Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
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Q: Where should 60+ year-olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
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Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year-olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
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NOTE: Large type so you can read it easier!
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This was written by a black gentleman in
What a great sense of humor ... and creativity!!!
When I was born, I was black,
When I grew up, I was BLACK,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK ,
When I got cold, I was BLACK ,
When I was scared, I was BLACK ,
When I was sick, I was BLACK ,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK .
NOW, You "white" folks....
When you're born, you're PINK ,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,
When you go in the sun, you get RED ,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE ,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW ,
When you get sick, you're GREEN ,
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,
And when you die, you look GRAY .
So who y'all callin'
C O L O R E D folks?....
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Midnight Feeding”
"Grandma, when you and Grandpa had your first baby, did Grandpa ever handle the middle-of-the-night feeding?"
"No. I always did that."
"That must have been before you had women's liberation."
"No, it was before we had baby bottles."
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Paid in Full
A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A
billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to
hers. When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.
"I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded. "Couldn't you change yours?"
The company refused, so she said, "Fine. From now on, I'm going to
tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full."
The company got a new number the next day.
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Weird News
Hulk statue recovered after theft
Jeff Leslie, owner of Outpost 12 comics, said the 7-foot tall statue of the popular comic book, TV and film character was taken by two men who emerged from a neighboring business and put the Hulk in their pickup truck, KTVB-TV,
"What bothers me most is that it happened in broad daylight," Leslie said. "We bring him into the store at night so that this doesn't happen but this was broad daylight."
Leslie said the statue was found a few miles from the store with its feet broken and an arm torn off. He said the $300 statue took six months to create.
Police said they were searching for two suspects seen driving in a white Ford pickup truck.
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101-year-old pilot still flying
Ernie Trent said he has been flying planes since the 1930s -- including a stint training B-52 pilots during World War II -- and he has never crashed an airplane or been injured by a plane-related incident, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reported.
"I just like airplanes,"
Richard Gibbs, a longtime friend of
Gibbs said Trent, who must pass a proficiency test every two years, remains sturdy in the cockpit of his single-engine Avid Flyer plane.
"It's very natural to him," Gibbs said. "His skill level is pretty high."
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Two Pigs
Two farmers were discussing politics and the first one says: "I believe in a share and share alike policy. One where we are all equal."
"Well" replied the other farmer "I'm not sure about that. What you mean is that if you have two horses you'd give me one?"
"Of course" says the first.
The second farmer continued: "and of you had two cars, you'd give me one of them too?"
"Absolutely"
"So" says the second farmer, "if you had two pigs then you'd give me one of them?"
"Ah, now hang on a minute" says the first, "you know I've got two pigs!"
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Making a Deal
After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help.
He said, "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you."
Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?"
The answer came back, "An arm and a leg."
"Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"