Random Words
Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.
The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"
"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."
The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."
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Wacky Americans
- We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.
- We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.
- We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.
- Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.
- We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".
- We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
- We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.
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Murphy on Work
- There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
- The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).
- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
- You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
- People are always available for work in the past tense.
- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
- At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
- You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
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Heart Transplant
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.
The doctor said, “We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years.”
“I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.
“It was easy,” the patient replied. “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”
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Learning a Foreign Language
Two Americans were visiting
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asked.
The two Americans just stared at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tried. The two continued to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?"
Other than a glance at each other, there was still no response.
"¿Hablan ustedes español?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy gave up and walked off in a huff, extremely disgusted. When he was gone, the first American turned to the second and said, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" the other replied. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
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Instructions for Yankees Moving to the South
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later
how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as
"Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can.
Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in
the cab of a four wheel drive with a tow chain will be along shortly.
Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what
they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking,
let alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural.
"All y'all's" is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern
accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a
10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol'
truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new
southern-influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred
percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the
last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
16. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay
out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
17. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those
who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a
southern licence plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the
car was purchased.
18. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already
know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off
trying to find it yourself.
19. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait
until November, if used at all.
20. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the
local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from
the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
21.
Yankees than Southerners living there.
22. As you are fussing at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone,
directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to
drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the
proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
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Knowledge is free, but you have to bring your own container.
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Volunteer
During his spare time my brother, an attorney, volunteers on
his town's fire and rescue squad.
When I mentioned this to a friend, he smiled and said, "Let
me get this straight. Your brother is a lawyer and an EMT?
So he doesn't have to chase the ambulance -- he's already in
it?"
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"In sports The Florida Marlins have announced they will form
an all-male, plus-size cheerleading squad. They will be
called the Marlin Brandos." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Another Democratic debate last night. This time in
The big winner? 'American Idol.'" -Jay Leno
***
"Hillary Clinton is trailing Barack Obama. She's getting
pretty desperate. People are saying she has a new personality
every day of the campaign. For instance, today, she is Madam
Lasonga, the mind reader at the carnival." -David Letterman