Cart Ads
My father is a skilled CPA, but is not great at self-promotion. So
when an advertising company offered to put my father's business
placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the
chance. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be
traced to those placards.
"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.
"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"
"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard and
I want you to come and get it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From Jokes: The Essential Guide to Women's English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = My correct decision should be
obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby
thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture,
and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something
expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today
you're going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and
find a good game on TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2 from M/M Riverrats --
Grocery Store
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is
nine, the other is four. The nine year old grabs a box
of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the
register for checkout.
The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom,
huh?"
The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom."
The cashier responds, "Well, they must be for your
sister then?"
The nine year old says, "Nope, not for my sister
either."
By this time, the cashier was curious. "Oh. Well, if
they're not for your mom and they're not for your
sister, who are they for?"
The nine year old says, "They're for my four-year-old
little brother."
The cashier is surprised. "Your four-year-old little
brother?"
So the nine year old explains, "Well yeah, they say on
TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a
bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"
Dormitory Rules
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all
male students, so too the male dormitory to the female
students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be
fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this
rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a
third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there
any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Um,
How much for a season pass?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I was:
Four years old: My daddy can do anything.
Five years old: My daddy knows a whole lot.
Six years old: My dad is smarter than your dad.
Eight years old: My dad doesn't know exactly everything.
Ten years old: In the olden days, when my dad grew up,
things were sure different.
Twelve years old: Oh, well, naturally, Dad doesn't know
anything about that. He is too old to remember his
childhood.
Fourteen years old: Don't pay any attention to my dad. He is
so old-fashioned.
Twenty-one years old: Him? My Lord, he's hopelessly out of
date.
Twenty-five years old: Dad knows about it, but then he
should, because he has been around so long.
Thirty years old: Maybe we should ask Dad what he thinks.
After all, he's had a lot of experience.
Thirty-five years old: I'm not doing a single thing until I
talk to Dad.
Forty years old: I wonder how Dad would have handled it. He
was so wise.
Fifty years old: I'd give anything if Dad were here now so I
could talk this over with him. Too bad I didn't appreciate
how smart he was. I could have learned a lot from him.
Writer Unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Leak Repair"
My husband's skills with do-it-yourself home repairs are at best mediocre. After spending several evenings trying to fix a leak in the bathroom, he finally admitted defeat and called a plumber, who finished the job in ten minutes.
Watching him put away his equipment, my son asked what had been the problem.
"Well," the plumber replied, "seems that your father got hold of some tools..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"The first myth of management is that it exists."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Dad Question"
Four-year-old Little Johnny asked, "Mummy, where do babies come from?
"The stork, dear." replied Johnny's Mom.
"Mummy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?" Asked Little Johnny.
Johnny's mother answer, "The police, dear."
"Mummy, if our house was on fire, who would save us?"
"The fire department, dear."
"Mummy, where does food come from?"
"Farmers, dear."
"Mummy?"
"Yes, dear?"
"What do we need Daddy for?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Priest Hole"
A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE!" and a ball slammed into his back.
Soon the golfer who made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled.
"Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed. "I've been playing this game forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that I've hit my first holy one!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Out of Time
by Robert Byron
When a machine broke down, I called the manufacturer for technical support.
I told the service technician that I suspected that the timing of the
machine was incorrect and was the source of my problem. I asked for the
correct procedure to set the timing.
The technician replied, "The correct term is phase not timing. Please refer
to the problem as the machine being out of phase."
It was obvious that he knew what I was talking about but, evidently, he was
a technical jargon snob. When the timing is off it means that a part of the
machine hasn't moved to a position where it is supposed to be when it is
supposed to be there. When a machine is out of phase it means that a part of
the machine is not at the proper degree or angle when it is supposed to be
there. They both mean the same thing. I asked the technician what the
difference was between "being out of time" and "being out of phase." He said
there was a difference but couldn't tell me what it was.
He agreed when I told him that I knew there was a difference between the two
but it was just one of those things you knew but couldn't put into words. I
explained how it could be dangerous if the two occurred at the same time.
Again he agreed. "I once saw it happen," I told him." It caused the space
time continuum to get out of phase. The guy who was working on the machine
was transported back in time and I had to wait five years for him to get
back and fix the machine."
There was a moment of silence. "So do you want to know how to fix the
machine or not?"
"That would be great but hurry. I'm running out of time."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"The Bush administration is tightening immigration now. In order to cross
the United States, you have to have legal documentation. If you want to get
into the United States you have to have legal documentation or a 95 mile an
hour fast ball." --David Letterman