Inseperable
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very generous, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< ”Golf Ransom” Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. "Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 AM if you ever want to see your wife alive again." But it was well after 1:00 PM by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, "You're three hours late. What took you so long?" "Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard. "I'm a 27 handicap." ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "Charity Auction" The auto auction I attended was selling cars to benefit charity. Vehicles were classified as either "Running" or "No Start." On the block was a No Starter. It had a shattered windshield, two missing tires, a sagging front bumper, a cockeyed grille, a hood that was sprung up at an angle, and dings and dents all over the body. Before he started the bidding, the auctioneer announced the car's year, make, and model, and then read the owner's comments: "Please note - the radio does not work." ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< "In a recent interview, Arnold Schwarzenegger said cannabis is not a drug. Of course, when Arnold said it, it sounded like, 'Cannibals need a hug.'" -Conan O'Brien *** "According to the Congressional Budget Office, Social Security will be completely depleted by the year 2052. 2052 - Social Security broke. Once again, I don't think President Bush understands this issue. He said, '2052, that's okay. By then all our old people will already be dead anyway.'" -Jay Leno *** "Hillary Clinton fainted during a speech. She's fine but what I don't understand is why Bill Clinton was giving mouth-to- mouth to her assistant." -Craig Ferguson ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< [Okay, it's an old one, but I challenge anyone to honestly tell me this joke isn't hilarious.] A Scotsman paying his first visit to the zoo stopped by one of the cages. "An whut animal would that be?" he asked the keeper. "That's a moose from Canada," came the reply. "A moose!" exclaimed the Scotsman, "Hoots man - they must ha' rrrats like elephants ower there!" ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
You Might Be Floridian if...
"Down South" means Key West.
"Panhandling" means going to Pensacola.
You think no one over 70 should be allowed to drive.
Flip-flops are everyday wear.
Shoes are for business meetings and church.
No, wait -- flip-flops are good for church, too, unless it's
Easter or Christmas.
Sweet tea can be served at any meal.
An alligator once walked through your neighborhood.
You smirk when a game show's "Grand Prize" is a trip or
cruise to Florida.
You measure distance in minutes.
You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.
You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.
All the local festivals are named after a fruit.
A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.
You think everyone from a bigger city has a northern accent.
You know the four seasons really are: almost summer, summer,
not summer but really hot, and Christmas.
It's not soda, cola, or pop -- it's coke, regardless of
brand or flavor: "What kinda coke you want?"
Anything under 95 is just warm.
You've hosted a hurricane party.
You go to a theme park for an afternoon and know when to get
on the best rides.
You pass on the right and honk at the elderly.
You understand the futility of exterminating cockroaches.
You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee, and Withlacoochee.
You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat
than have a boat yourself.
Bumper stickers on the pickup in front of you include:
various fish, NRA, and a confederate flag.
You were eight years old before you realized they made
houses without pools.
You were 12 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.
You get angry when people say, "Florida isn't really part of
the SOUTH."
You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.
You know what the "stingray shuffle" is and why it's
important!
You recognize Miami-Dade as "Northern Cuba." The south ends
in the Ocala/Gainesville area, and then North Cuba begins.