After just one year of marriage, Jill filed for divorce. A
friend, trying to console her said that you never know what
a man's like until you live with him.
"I should have left him right after the honeymoon. He didn't
even take me to Niagara Falls like he promised -- all we did
was drive through a car wash a couple of times, real slow."
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I was traveling through Georgia last summer and stopped at
a little backwoods country store. In the men's room there
was a handwritten sign above the malfunctioning potty which
said, "Please Wiggel Handel".
Below that some wit had written, "If I do, will it wiggel
Bach?"
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Good Advice From Kids
"Never trust a dog to watch your food." -Patrick, age 10 "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' Don't answer." -Hannah, age 9 Never tell your Mom her diet's not working." -Michael, age 14 "Stay away from prunes." -Randy, age 9 "Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to." -Emily, age 10 "When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair." -Taylia, age 11 "Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment." -Traci, age 14 "A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac." – Andrew, age 9
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Tech Support
One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. There, he deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people. The best call came from Bubba, who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him. "She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number. "She leaves her name," was the reply. After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. "How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked. "L-O-W C-E-L-L" Another technical problem solved.
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Can I Help?
One summer evening a young son came in while his parents were setting the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help. His mother said, "No, but I appreciate you asking." The child responded, "Well, I appreciate you saying no."
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More Dis-Inspirationals
- There is no "I" in "teamwork"...But there is in "management kiss-up". - If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. - The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. - Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security. - If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition. - Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings... they did it by killing all those who oppose them. - We put the "k" in "kwality". - 2 days without a human rights violation. - Your job is STILL better than asking "You want fries with that?".
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Air Conditioning
A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a
restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be
turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned
down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an
hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and
forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second
customer asked why didn't they just throw out the pest.
"Oh, I don't care," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't
even have an air conditioner."
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"Bob, why don't you play golf with John anymore?" asked a friend.
"Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when you
weren't watching?" Bob asked.
"Well, no," admitted the friend.
"Neither will John," replied Bob.
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Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very
careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags.
He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised
to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage
carousel.
Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied
to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides.
"I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?", he
asked.
"Actually", the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."
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Okay, I have a million awesome clip art images. Now what?
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Auto AuctionThe auto auction I attended was selling cars to benefit charity. Vehicles were classified as either "Running" or "No Start." On the block was a No Starter. It had a shattered windshield, two missing tires, a sagging front bumper, a cockeyed grille, a hood that was sprung up at an angle, and dings and dents all over the body.Before he started the bidding, the auctioneer announced the car's year, make, and model, and then read the owner's comments: "Please note - the radio does not work."
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At the urging of his doctor, John moved to Arizona.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older
man.
"Say, my doctor recommended I move here for my health. Is
this really a good place to live?"
"It sure is," the man replied. "When I first arrived here
I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head.
I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had
to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said John. "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
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A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor
decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a
parishioner call the sign company.
The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he
wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway.
The sign came back a few days later... "Unto Mary Jesus was
born, six feet long and two feet wide."
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After my fifth-graders studied the history of the Alamo, I
gave them a test with this bonus question: "What was the
famous battle cry that later helped spur on independence for
Texans?"
One student's response: "Remember the alimony!"
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Ancient Artifact?
A little boy opened the big, old family Bible with
fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them.
Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and
looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree. The
leaf had been pressed in between pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered:
"It's Adam's suit!"
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