"I'm getting older and I'm thinking about having my eggs
frozen. Well, just the egg whites. I'm trying to cut back on
my cholesterol." --Brenda Pontiff
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Maybe this is why they don't teach music in high school
any more. Following are actual answers from students on
music tests...
- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was
called pre-Madonna.
- Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the
same lines.
- Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
- All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know ex-
actly what they sounded like because there are no known
descendants.
- Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze
Lullaby, the Taco
Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's
Blue.
- Music sung by two people at the same time is called a
duel; if they sing without music it is called
- A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
- Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
- Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the
Hatfields and the McCoys.
- I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.
- Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical com-
positions and had a large number of children. In between he
practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.
- Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano
concerti.
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While my brother was stationed overseas, his wife wrote to
him daily. For an added touch, she'd always scribble little
abbreviated notes on the outside of the envelope.
One day my brother received a letter with the familiar "SWL"
(sealed with love) message on the envelope. He noticed that
the letter was sealed with tape and chuckled when he read
this notation written by a postal employee: "Love didn't
stick--resealed in
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Found Cell Phone"
When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.
"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."
"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."
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CleanQuote
"There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself."
- Johann Sebastian Bach
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Illustration - "The Other Side"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side."
Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know."
"You don't know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?"
The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.
Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing. I know my Master is there and that is enough."
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Strange Facts
"A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking."
~ Arthur Block
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Church Sign
A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor
decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a
parishioner call the sign company.
The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he
wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway.
The sign came back a few days later... "Unto Mary Jesus was
born, six feet long and two feet wide."
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Vow of Silence
At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence.
One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!" Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days.
The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said, "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!" Once again, silence ensued for 365 days.
The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"
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Computer Weirdness in Movies
- A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
- Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. (See "Demolition Man" and countless others)
- Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems transmit data at a speed of two gigabytes per second.
- When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
- If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. (e.g., "Clear and Present Danger")
- If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
- No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
- The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has ("Aliens"). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled.
- Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.
- Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Y-MP.
- Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face. (See "Alien," "2001")
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Computer Weirdness in Movies
- A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
- Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. (See "Demolition Man" and countless others)
- Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems transmit data at a speed of two gigabytes per second.
- When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
- If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. (e.g., "Clear and Present Danger")
- If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
- No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
- The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has ("Aliens"). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled.
- Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.
- Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Y-MP.
- Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face. (See "Alien," "2001")
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Work Laws
- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
- Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
- Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.
- Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
- Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
- To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
- Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
- The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.