HUMOR
Oxymorons
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
21. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
23. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
24. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
25. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
26. Christmas oxymoron:? What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
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"Whisper Shock"
When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion.
On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?"
Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."
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CleanQuote
"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. That's when it's time for my nap." - Bob Hope
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"Attending Church"
After Sunday service a young couple talked to the pastor about joining the church. He hadn't met the husband before, so he asked what church he was transferring from.
The husband looked down at his feet and replied, "I am transferring from the Municipal Golf Course."
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A Polish immigrant goes to the Wisconsin Department of Motor
Vehicles in Milwaukee to apply for a driver's license and is
told he has to take an eye test. The examiner shows him a
card with the letters:
C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z
"Can you read this?" the examiner asks.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy!!"
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"You've Got Bottle"
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.
"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."
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Oneliner
"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver." - Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman
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CleanPun - "Indoors"
If a rabbit is raised indoors, would it be an ingrown hare?
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Stained Glass
An minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of
presenting the children's message. It seems the sanctuary in the new
church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message
centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole
picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like
the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to
make the whole picture.
And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And
then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a
little pane. And you're a little pane. And..."
It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard.