May those who love us love us,
And those who don't, may God turn their hearts,
And if He doesn't turn their hearts, may He turn their ankles,
So we may know them by their limping.
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The little rich girl came back from her first trip to Sunday school and told
her mother, "Oh, Mummy! They read us the nicest story. All about a Mr. Adam
and a Miss Eve and what a nice time they were having under an apple tree
until a servant came along and disturbed them."
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Put your troubles in a pocket that has holes in it.
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"Philosophy Chair"
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board:
"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: "Which chair?"
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1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands.
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings.
People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet.
Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy.
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.
When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught - your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training expenses.
3. Messy desk.
Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts.
Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail.
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing ? they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live.
If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed.
One should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6. Appear to Work Late.
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read, but have no time until late before leaving.
7. Creative Sighing for Effect.
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.
8. Stacking Strategy.
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc... You can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.
9. Build Vocabulary.
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products.
Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
10. MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!
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Female Terminology
FINE
this is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
if she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
this is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD
this is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY
this is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology!
And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh!
Oh, and before we forget ...
"Whatever"
...it's a woman's way of saying Nuts to YOU