Walmart Greeter
Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't
seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10,
sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really
tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the
company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person
Friendly" policies.
One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal
with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk.
"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do
a bang on job, but your being late so often is quite
bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to
hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're
retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came
in late there?"
"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this
morning, sir?'"
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Cow Poke
On vacation one year I went to a resort in
"One," she replied.
"One?!" I said incredulously.
"And a dog," she added.
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Strange Fact
"The average person laughs 13 times a day!" - Can you laugh more?
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God’s Left Hand
Little Vernie was spending the weekend with his grandmother. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked... "doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"
"Well," said Vernie, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"
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Marriage is a relationship in which one person
is always right, and the other is a husband.
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Memory Improvement
I knew that as I was getting older, I was finally able to admit that
certain things were starting to "slip". In an effort to prevent this
memory "slippage", I went enthusiastically to a three-hour seminar on
memory improvement.
After an hour I slipped out. I took the same course, given by the
same professor, last year.
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"When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL
CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm
not afraid of small children." -Jonathan Katz
***
"I hate waking up every morning to my alarm. I always bang
my head on the steering wheel." --Scott Wood
***
"Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half
full, I say, are you going to drink that?" -Lisa Claymen
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While working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult
assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One
day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old
Lizzie her shot.
"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.
"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."
At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO,
THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!
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One woman was talking to her friend, "You should listen to
my neighbor," she says. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor
husband behind his back. I think that's so rude. Look at me!
My husband is fat, lazy and cheap; but have you ever heard
me say a bad word about about him?"
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Got Any Grapes
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?" Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''
Confused, the bartenders says no.
''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''
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Purple Monkey
A man walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Don't touch the purple monkey up in room 222." The man sneered and went straight up to room 222 and opened the door. There sitting right in front of him was a purple monkey.
The man laughed again and touched the monkey. He then started down the stairs...the monkey was following him. The man went outside and got into his jeep. The monkey got in the back seat. The man ignored him.
Later the man drove to the
The man just burst and yelled, "What do you want!"
The monkey came up to him and said, "Tag...you're it.
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You Know You're Growing Older When
- Everything hurts , and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work anyway.
- The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
- You feel like you really hung one one the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.
- You get winded playing chess.
- Your children begin to look middle-aged.
- You join a health club and don't go.
- You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
- Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
- You look forward to a dull evening.
- Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today!"
- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
- You're 17 around the neck and 42 around the waist.
- You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
- Dialing long distance wears you out.
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Batmobile
What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?
"Robin get into the Batmobile."
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Vacuum Salesman
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman goes to
the first house in his new territory. He knocks, and a
really mean, tough-looking lady opens the door. Before she
has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps
garden soil all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders
cleaning this up, I'll eat every bit of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on
that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the
electricity turned on yet."