Friendly SkiesAn award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone."May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "(Expletive) you."Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.
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On a joint military exercise an English soldier, an American solider,and a
Russian soldier found themselves sharing a tent while on a military exercise
and the conversation turned towards how well fed each of them was.
"In the Russian army we get 2000 calories of food a day" said the Russian.
"Well," said the Englishman, "in the British army we are given 4000 calories
of food a day."
"That's nothing," said the American, "in the US army we get 8000 calories
of food a day."
At this the Russian got very annoyed. "Nonsense," he said, "how could one
man eat so much cabbage?"
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When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first
checkup, the doctor said, "You have a cute baby."
Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents."
"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really cute."
"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.
"He looks just like you."
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9 out of 10 doctors say the 10th doctor should mellow out.
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"Moonshine Benefit"
The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.
"Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?"
"Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider. "It makes me miss the folks I shoot at."
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Engineering TalkI work as an Design Engineer. While driving I seldom slow down at the road breakers and bumps. One day out of exasperation my wife sitting next to me said," You know Honey, if you don't slow down you going to damage your shock absorber and your bearing and you will soon have to do a wheel alignment again." I was surprised by her knowledge of the technical words and told her so. She replied," Sweetheart, for years I've being telling you in plain English to slow down but you aren't listening. I thought maybe some engineering talk might help you see your foolishness."Well it did.
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THESE SIGNS WERE WRITTENHere are a few signs you may not have seen before:Sign in a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!!"At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."In a restaurant window: "Eat now, pay waiter."Sign on a retail store door in Stevens Point, WI: "PUSH. If it doesn't open, PULL. If it still doesn't open, WE ARE CLOSED."Sign in school near clock: "Time will pass; will you?"On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."Sign in a dentist's office: "Patient parking only. All others will be painfully extracted." Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."Brochure for mountain cabin rentals: "Lovely honeymoon cabin . . . . sleeps 8"A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: "Do not activate with wet hands."In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."Seen on a billboard along a highway: "Caution: objects in the mirror may have flunked driver's education."