"Slow Train"
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.
"What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.
Within five minutes, however, it stops again.
The woman sees the same conductor walk again.
She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"
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Oneliner
"If we are to learn anything of value from Star Trek, it's that the universe is filled with vastly different styles of foreheads."
- Chris Needles
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CleanPun - "Room Question"
My friend Judy was working at a Maine costal resort when she answered a call for information about the inn. After finishing the conversation, Judy stepped away from the desk. When the phone rang again, a student intern took the call.
"I forgot to ask something." the caller said, "How are the rooms appointed?"
"Well, six of them are appointed west," the student said, "and the rest are appointed east."
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Breathe
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life
and death statistics.
Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know
that every time I breathe somebody dies?"
"Really!?" he said, "Have you tried mouthwash?"
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"Hardware is the part of the computer that can be kicked." - Jeff Pesis
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A Blonde's Year in Review January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to printlabels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer !!! March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6months.....box said "2-4 years!" April - Trapped on escalator for hours ..... power went out!!! May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of waterwon't fit into those little packets!!! June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope. July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, theother swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swampedbecause soft-top was open. September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it??? October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel. November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1 hourper pound and I weigh 108!! December - Couldn't call 911 .... "duh".....there's no "eleven"button on the stupid phone!!! What a year!!