Weight Report
A small town doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.
One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a
call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed
to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doctor used his
fishing scales. The baby weighed 32 lb. 10 oz.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LETTER FROM A FARM KID (now at Camp Pendleton, San Diego,
Marine Corps Recruit Training)
Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother
Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch
by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the
places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till
nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth
your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to
pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay...
practically nothing. Men got to shave but it's not so bad...
there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like
fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on
chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other
regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by
the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours
holds you 'til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder
these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says
are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my
place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far
as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet
and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a
school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the
school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and
frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep
getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye
is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it
ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you
got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't
even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.
You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real
careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting
with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in
this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I
only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but
I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300
pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before
other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mommy Test
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She
picked up something off the ground and started to put
it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I
asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know
where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs," I
replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total
admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this
stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this
stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or
they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in
silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information.
"Oh, I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the
test, you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly," I replied back with a big smile on my face
and joy in my heart.
When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS -- Now think about this one, folks, like
it or not he does make some powerful points...
If you are ready for the adventure of a lifetime, TRY
THIS:
Enter Mexico illegally. Never mind immigration quotas,
visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.
• Once there, demand that the local government
provide free medical care for you and your entire
family.
• Demand bilingual nurses and doctors.
• Demand free bilingual local government
forms, bulletins, etc.
• Procreate abundantly. Deflect any criticism
of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behavior
with, "It is a cultural USA thing. You would not
understand, pal."
• Keep your American identity strong. Fly Old
Glory from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your
front window or on your car bumper.
• Speak only English at home and in public and
insist that your children do likewise.
• Demand classes on American culture in the
Mexican school system.
• Demand a local Mexican driver license. This
will afford other legal rights and will go far to
legitimize your unauthorized, illegal presence in
Mexico.
• Drive around with no liability insurance and
ignore local traffic laws.
• Insist that local Mexican law enforcement
teach English to all its officers.
Good luck! You'll be demanding for the rest of time or
soon dead. It will never happen. It will not happen in
Mexico or any other country in the world except right
here in the United States, Land of the naive and
stupid, idiotic politically correct politicians.
If you agree, pass it on.
If you don't, go ahead and try the above in Mexico or
Iran.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A member of the senior adult class dropped by the presiding elder’s office on Friday morning and said, “Pastor, good news! I think I’m going to get married, but I’ve got a problem.” The pastor replied, “Congratulations, Fred, that is good news, ... but what could possibly be the problem?”
Fred -“Well, last night I asked Louise to marry me, but I can’t remember how she answered,”
Pastor- “Here’s the phone. Call her up and make sure.”
Fred (after dialing) – “Louise, this is Fred. This is embarrassing, so please bear with me. I can’t remember what your answer was last night when I asked you to marry me!”
Louise- “Well that solves a mystery for me that's bothered me all day! I was thinking somebody asked me to marry him, but for the life of me, I couldn’t remember who it was.”