Tuesday, July 11, 2006

hUMOR For July 11th

"Gender Request"
After learning the Lamaze method of natural childbirth, I was admitted to the delivery room with my wife. It seemed like an eternity before the doctor finally announced, "I've got the head now; just a few more minutes."
"Is it a girl or boy?" I asked excitedly.
The doctor replied, "I don't know. It's hard to tell by the ears."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"A man who correctly guesses a woman's age may be smart but he's not very bright."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Wet Postage"
I asked my mailman why my letters were all wet.
He said "postage dew".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A WOMAN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check, or charge?" I asked, after folding items the
woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I
noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping
with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I
could do to him."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never
understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto
your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be
afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the
instructor say, "It is essential that husbands and wives
know the things that are important to each other." He then
addressed the men: "Can you describe your wife's favorite
flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently, and
whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right
here.

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words
women use a day: 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied,
"The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything
to men."

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Meditation is not what you think
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Dr. Laura

My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me,
but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good
provider and has many friends and supporters. They
know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the
issue. He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers
are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies
it all. Then, eventually, he admits that he was wrong
and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for
so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat. I
don't know what to do. Please help!

Signed,
Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:

You should dump him! Now that you are finally a New
York Senator, you don't need him anymore!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A blonde was driving home after a Redskins game,
and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was
covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a
repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a
blonde, so he decided to have some fun.

He told her just to go home and blow into the tail
pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands
and knees and started blowing into her cars tailpipe.
Nothing happened.

She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said,
"What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had
instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to
get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said,.. ."HELLLLO"

"You need to roll up the windows!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Growing Old -- SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This an eye opener; some probably never thought nor
looked at this Psalm in this way, even though they say
it over and over again.

The Lord is my Shepherd - That's Relationship!

I shall not want - That's Supply!

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures - That's
Rest!

He leadeth me beside the still waters - That's
Refreshment!

He restoreth my soul - That's Healing!

He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness - That's
Guidance!

For His names' sake - That's Purpose!

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow
of death - That's perseverance!

I will fear no evil - That's Protection!

For Thou art with me - That's Faithfulness!

Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me - That's
Discipline!

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of
mine enemies - That's Hope!

Thou annointest my head with oil - That's
Consecration!

My cup runneth over - That's Abundance!

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days
of my life - That's Blessing!

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord - That's
Security!

Forever - That's Eternity!

Face it, the Lord is crazy about you. Send this to
the people you are crazy about. I thought this was
pretty special, just like YOU!!! What is most
valuable, is not what we have in our lives, but WHO
we have in our lives!