Friday, November 04, 2005

hUMOR For Nov. 4th

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Words Women UseFineThis is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.Five MinutesIf she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.NothingThis is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".Go AheadThis is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT! !Loud SighAlthough not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".That's OkayThis is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.ThanksThis is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.
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While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flaton my face.As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and calledout, "Are you hurt?""No, I'm fine," I said, touched by her concern."Oh, good," she continued. "So will you be vacating yourparking space now?"
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Little Johnny's mother knew that her son had beentelling a lot of lies as of late. So she had madearrangements for Little Johnny to go over to talk totheir priest. The priest had a good reputation for helping people who were compulsive liars.So Little Johnny's mother asks him if he would go overto the parsonage and help the priest with some chores.Little Johnny, being a very helpful kid, went over.Upon answering the door the priest asks Little Johnnyif he was at church Sunday and, of course, he lied andsaid yes."Well," said the priest, "I guess you saw whathappened at church Sunday?""Yes," said Little Johnny, again lying."I guess you saw that big grizzly bear come throughthe front door and up the aisle grabbing people fromtheir seats and eating them up, every last one ofthem!" said the priest."Yea," said Little Johnny."Well I guess you saw that little beagle dog come inright behind him," said the priest, "They stared eachother down, and then they met right in the middle ofthe church, biting, scratching, and finally thatlittle beagle killed that big-o-grizzly bear."The priest looked Little Johnny straight in the eyeand asked "Little Johnny, do you honest to God believethat story?"Little Johnny said without a quiver "I sure dopreacher that was my DOG!!!!"
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TEN RULES OF HOUSEKEEPING1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Saythis with a serious face, and shudder delicatelywhenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos whendisturbed. Rename the area under the couch "TheGalapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens providea helpful filter against harmful and aging rays fromthe sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave italone.4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces theglare from the bulb, thereby creating a romanticatmosphere. If your husband points out that the lightfixtures need dusting, simply look affronted andexclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazardtower of unread magazines and newspapers next to yourchair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of atiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll youreyes when you say this.6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up againstthe doorways by claiming you are collecting it thereto use for stuffing handsewn play animals forunderprivileged children.7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everythingunsightly into one room and close the door. As youshow your guests through your tidy home, rattle thedoor knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd loveyou to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbedand the shots are SO expensive."8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place ashowy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS iswhere Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightlyover a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, andtry to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior didthis the week before that unspeakable accident... Ihaven't had the heart to clean it..."10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleanerwith four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist theair lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuouslocations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourselfonto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and Istill don't get anywhere..."
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Cannibals tell the truth! A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please.. don't eat any of the other employees". The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads "No". After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you dummies ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!"