The Amateur Photographer
An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends,
and he took along a few pictures to show to them. The
hostess looked at the photos and commented, "These are very
good! You must have a good camera."
The photographer didn't make any comment, but as he was
leaving to go home, he said, "That was a really delicious
meal! You must have some very good pots."
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"Curbing Church Growth"
25 Easy Ways to Curb the Annoying Problem of Church Growth
1. Begin your message with the phrase, "You know what's wrong with you people..."
2. Place the student Sunday school space near the "Ruth class" for ladies 70 and above.
3. Move business meetings to Sunday morning and open up the floor by asking, "So does anybody have a beef?"
4. Begin that year-long sermon series on the 40 weeks of Daniel.
5. Place a polygraph machine on the front pew to be used during the invitation time.
6. Place tire puncture strips in the parking lot for cars going the wrong way before Sunday school.
7. Pick a NASCAR driver as your favorite and complain about all the other drivers (this works best in
8. Place the roller coaster "You must be this tall" sign at the entrance of the worship center. (And make it stand about 5' 8 1/2")
9. Keep the Christmas pageant livestock in the church choir room year 'round.
10. Announce that on high attendance Sunday, if the goal is met, everyone will kiss the pig!
11. If your auditorium slopes downward to the platform, give every kid under 12 a handful of marbles before the service.
12. Give deacons the ability to "gong" the special music.
13. Place the outdoor welcome center tent a few feet from the septic tank.
14. Replace the pictures of former pastors with pictures of Larry, Moe, and Curly.
15. Start arranging marriages in the singles department.
16. Put a blank for "weight" on the membership information forms.
17. Invite the "cops" crew along during hospital visits.
18. Demand mandatory drug tests for all senior adult excursions.
19. In order to feel relevant, say "Dude" 15 times from the pulpit each Sunday.
20. Have the organist play hockey cheers at pivotal moments of the sermon.
21. Place armed guards in front of the Sunday school supply closet.
22. Before the offertory hymn, have the worship leader scream, "Show me the money!"
23. Charge tolls for the use of restrooms.
24. Illustrate all sermons or Sunday school lessons with scenes from "
25. Use the "American Idol" format for staff hirings.
Written by Matt Tullos.
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CleanQuote
"No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session."
- Mark Twain (1866)
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Illustration - "Consideration"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Flying home after visiting her daughter in
He replied that he was picking his wife up at the airport after her trip to
Without missing a beat, the guard asked two more questions in the same business-like tone: "Is the house clean?" and "Are there fresh flowers on the table?"
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Weird News
Hundreds of pizzas lined up for charity
FORT PIERCE, Fla. (UPI) -- A total of 722 pizzas were lined up longer than two football fields in Fort Pierce, Fla., to raise money for charity, the event's organizer says.
Organizer Scott Van Duzer said while he was thrilled to learn the pizzas had reached a world record length of 722 feet, 1 inch, the real winner was a St. Lucie County firefighter who lost his home to a recent wildfire, The Palm Beach (
"People need money when a crisis happens," Van Duzer said, "not weeks or months later."
Van Duzer said the pizza line easily surpassed the current Guinness world record of 611 feet, 2 inches, but had yet to be authenticated.
Allen Civita, the firefighter who benefited from Saturday's event, was thankful for the unspecified amount of money donated by his fellow area residents.
"I was just so overwhelmed," Civita told the Post. "All these years the community has helped Scott, and now he's giving back."
Meanwhile, Van Duzer told the newspaper the grand total of ingredients for the pizza line-up included 500 pounds of flour, 30 gallons of pizza sauce and 250 pounds of mozzarella cheese.
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Mother, daughter earn master's degrees
CINCINNATI (UPI) -- An Ohio woman who received a master's degree from Cincinnati's Xavier University along with her mother says the degrees were hard work but worth it.
Heather Swensgard, 30, of
"It happened at about midnight, and it was one of those moments we just had to apologize for the laundry," the master's graduate said.
Swensgard said graduating Saturday alongside her 60-year-old mother was also the completion of another goal: graduating before her own children started school.
The Enquirer said Swensgard has two children, ages 3 and 5, but wanted to earn her master's to help in her job as a human resources worker.
Heintzelman, who also is a
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NYU trash becomes another's treasure
Green Apple Move Out coordinator Jennie Tichenor said items found in dorm rooms ranged from food to a box labeled "1,000 Sex Games," The New York Times said Sunday.
"Kind of from the sublime to the ridiculous," Tichenor said. "Forks and knives. A feather boa. You know, it's
The project was initiated last May. Organizers say this year's event, which was funded by alumni and the school's Sustainability Task Force, is expected to gather at least 25,000 pounds of goods.
Project organizers say the recycling not only helps the homeless but also helps the environment by eliminating thousands of pounds of campus trash.
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Last Request
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same
day, were led down to the room in which they would meet
their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the
formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final
prayer had been said among the participants. The warden,
turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have
a last request?"
To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance
music. Could you please play 'The Macarena' for me one last
time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man
and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final
request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
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Help
One guy was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen.
After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied,
"It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"
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First Worry
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
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Document Theory
Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria.
People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.