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The Parrot
David received a parrot for his birthday.
This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive (curse word). Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse.
He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming, then suddenly there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued:
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
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Gettin' Even...
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.....
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOODNESS! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They are going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt USE THE SALT! THE SALT!
The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs????"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
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Man works in a hardware store, and all of a sudden one day, a whole lot of tins of paint fall on him.
Of course, he's whisked off to hospital where they manage to clean him up physically, but mentally there's some definite scarring.
It was such an unusual case that the psychologist, treating the victim, called it by a brand-new term - Post-chromatic Stress Disorder.
An original pun by list member Leonie Edge!
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When my wife's sister, Patty, was very young, she was allowed to have her best friend, a boy named Rory, over to spend the night. As the children grew toward adolescence, their parents knew that someday the sleepovers would have to end.
One night, when Rory and his family were visiting, everyone gathered around the television to watch the Miss America pageant. When Patty asked if Rory could stay over, the parents hesitated, wondering if the time had finally come to discontinue the tradition. At that moment, the pageant host announced a contestant's
measurements: 36-22-36.
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It was the first day of school. As the principal made his rounds, he heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most noise. He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait there until he was excused. Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured the class for half an hour about the importance of good behavior. Now," he said," are there any questions?
"One girl stood up timidly. "Please sir," she asked, "May we have our teacher back?"
"Where is exactly is your teacher?" "He's in the hall, sir."