Friday, February 10, 2006

hUMOR For Feab. 10th

Lunch and Learn

The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and
Learn" seminars during the employees' lunchtime. These seminars deal
with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar
lasts beyond the normal lunch hours, we're supposed to get managerial
approval to attend. So, last week, this flier came around:

LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR:
WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE?
(Get your manager's permission before attending)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I
discovered that it had not been one of my wife's better
days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.

By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go
outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over
again. My wife agreed.

I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile,
announced, "Honey, I'm home!"

"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply. "It's
after seven o'clock!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Some things to think about

We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the
sails.

There is nothing noble in being superior to someone
else; the only real nobility is in being superior to
your former self.

Education is what you get when you read the fine
print, experience is what you get if you don't.

Some think it's holding on that makes one strong,
some time it is better to let go

Worry is the misuse of imagination.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Why, Oh Why, Oh Why?

1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we
know the batteries are getting weak?

2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds"
when they know there is not enough?

3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are
four billion stars, but check when you say the paint
is wet?

4. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by
lethal injection?

6. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but
ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

8. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

9. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

10. Why are there still apes, if people evolved from
apes?

11. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath
you use the bubbles are always white?

12. Why do people constantly return to the
refrigerator with
hopes that something new to eat will have
materialized?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: JUST CURIOUS

Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was.
Grandma answered, "Thirty-nine and holding."

Johnny thought for a moment and then said, "And how
old would you be if you let go?"

THE TITHING

A little boy in church for the first time watched as
the ushers passed around the offering plates. When
they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't
pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."

THE BLESSING

The Sunday school teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell
me, do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," he replied. "We don't have to. My mom is a
good cook!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- Catholics in Las Vegas

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living
in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches
there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers
at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than
cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips
from so many different casinos, the churches have
devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a
nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the
chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed
in.

This is done by the chip monks.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: SOUTHERN WOMEN

Southern woman appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.

Southern women know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, sir."
"Why, no, Billy!"

Southern women have a distinct way with fond
expressions:
"Y'all comeback!"
"Well, bless your heart."
"Drop by when you can."
"How's your Momma?"

Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The beach
The beach

Southern women know the joys of June, July, and
August:
Summer tans
Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses

Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their
hearts:
Fried GreenTomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football
NASCAR

Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
Grits
Country ham
Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with mom's homemade
jelly

Southern women know their cities dripping with
Southern charm:
Charleston (Chawl'stn)
Savannah (S'vanah)
New Orleans (N'awlins)
Atlanta(Addlanna)

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler, of course!

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the four deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food
Wearing too much makeup in the summer

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends
are fahevah!

Now.......Shugah, send this to some girls who were
raised in the South or wish they had been!

If you're a Northern transplant, Bless your heart,
fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could!