"Business Exhaustion"
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"How do they get the 'Do not walk on grass' signs way out in the middle of the lawn?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Arrest Report"
A certain man was infatuated with a young woman, but was so timid he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he even told his therapist that every time he got near her he felt like he was unimportant. He said that he felt as insignificant as a tiny pebble.
"Well," his therapist responded, "If you want to get the girl you'll just have to be a little boulder!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The
nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you
weigh?" she asks.
"120," the woman says. The nurse puts her on the scale. It
turns out her weight is 150.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 feet, 8 inches," she says. The nurse checks and sees that
she measures only 5 feet, 5 inches.
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is
very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams. "When I came in here, I
was tall and slender, and now I'm short and fat!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pesky Telemarketer
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated evening meal
and, as I answered, I was greeted with, "Is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss?"
This didn't sound anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?"
The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered Freezer
Company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew
Wilhiam personally and why was he was calling this number. I then
said, off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the body and all
the blood."
I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had
entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had
already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to
appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.
I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address,
phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the
dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before
he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and
his answers were given in a shaky voice.
Then I proceeded to tell him that we had located his position at his
work place and the police were entering the building to take him into
custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of
his running away.
My wife asked me, as I returned to the table, why I had tears
streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about
fifteen minutes.
My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From CANAL HEIGHTS (hereinafter CH) -- Growing Good
Corn!
There was a farmer who grew award-winning corn. Each
year he entered his corn in the state fair where it
won a blue ribbon.
One year a newspaper reporter interviewed him and
learned something interesting about how he grew it.
The reporter discovered that the farmer shared his
seed corn with his neighbors.
"How can you afford to share your best seed corn with
your neighbors when they are entering corn in
competition with yours each year?" the reporter asked.
"Why sir," said the farmer, "didn't you know? The
wind picks up pollen from the ripening corn and
swirls it from field to field. If my neighbors grow
inferior corn, cross-pollination will steadily degrade
the quality of my corn. If I am to grow good corn, I
must help my neighbors grow good corn."
He is very much aware of the connectedness of life.
His corn cannot improve unless his neighbor's corn
also improves.
So it is in our lives. Those who choose to be at
peace must help their neighbors to be at peace.
Those who choose to live well must help others to live
well, for the value of a life is measured by the lives
it touches. And those who choose to be happy must help
others to find happiness, for the welfare of each is
bound up with the welfare of all.
The lesson for each of us is this: if we are to grow
good corn, we must help our neighbors grow good corn.
Author Unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- This is a list of comments from
test papers, essays, Etc., submitted to science and
health teachers by Elementary, junior high, high
school, and college Students: "It is truly astonishing
what weird science Our young scholars can create under
the pressures Of time and grades." The spellings are
the original ones.
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a
flame in a test tube.
When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon
Monoxide.
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.
A super saturated solution is one that holds more than
it can hold.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead
cat.
Momentum: What you give a person when they are going
away.
Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to
the cow instead of the bull.
The pistol of the flower is its only protection
against insects.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the
more extinct it is.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over
the nose.
For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the
heart until the heart stops.
For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose
until it drops in your throat.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All
water tends towards the moon, because there is no
water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I
forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not
phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the
main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was
greeted
with a child's whisper.
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is
your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message,
the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the
boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered
answer. Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What
is that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly
apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just
landed the helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What
are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
"ME."