Gremlin
I'm embarrassed to admit it but back in the 1980's, I had an AMC Gremlin. I
hated that car. It had an accordion type sunroof made of fabric that had to
be pushed back to open. I was driving home from work when the sunroof ripped
from its mooring and began flapping like a massive flag behind my car before
completely freeing itself from bondage. I think the sunroof hated the car as
well.
The sunroof was a rare item and at the time I was unable to afford a new
one. I riveted a piece of sheet metal to the roof as a replacement. At least
it kept the rain out. That is until the rear window mysteriously shattered.
I was walking by the car when it happened. Nobody else was around and I
could find no evidence of foul play to indicate that a foreign object had
penetrated the glass. The window just seemed to have had enough of that car.
It wasn't long before the front suspension decided to depart. If I had
intentions of making a turn, it was necessary to start turning the steering
wheel several blocks before said anticipated turn. Steering became a fine
art. I hated that car.
I was driving home from the grocery store when the engine quit on me. I had
the car towed home and I began to thoroughly check the motor inside and out.
I could find nothing wrong. I was sitting behind the drivers seat when a
neighbor asked, "You don't suppose it's out of gas do you?"
I tapped at the gauge and said, "No. You can plainly see that it has a
quarter of a tank." No sooner had I spilled the words from my mouth, my
tapping dislodged the stuck gauge. It now read "Empty."
I had a can of gas that I used for filling the tank of my lawn mower so I
used the contents to get the Gremlin started. The gas gauge barely
registered as I headed for the gas station. I was about one hundred feet
from the pump when I ran out of gas again. I hated that car.
Now it was war. I ran the car low on oil trying to kill it. The motor ran
fantastic. I ran it low on coolant but the engine never missed a beat. I ran
it low on oil and coolant at the same time and the motor only seemed to run
better. As the car fell apart around me, the motor only became stronger but
I still hated that car.
When I decided to sell it, a friend of mine offered to buy it. I told him
everything that was wrong with it and begged him not to buy it from me. He
really wanted the car and said he'd "fix it up." I tried to give it to him
but he said he wouldn't feel right not paying me something for it. I ended
up selling him the car for fifty dollars.
Two days after he bought the car it caught on fire in his driveway. The
Gremlin burned to the ground and in the process, it caught his other car on
fire. I took comfort in the knowledge that there were then two of us who
hated that car.
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When the guy at the door said, "Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms," I just
assumed it was more supplies.
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"Denture Feedback"
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball must have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
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Oneliner
"A diplomatic husband said to his wife, 'How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?'"
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CleanPun - "Be Good"
A mother was dropping her son off at a friend's house. She said to him, "Will you be good while Mommy's gone?"
The boy replied, "If you give me a dollar!"
His mother shook her head and said to him, "Why can't you be good for nothing like your father?!"