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FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,5'4" used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
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Little brother: What do I do now?Big brother: Throw the toilet paper in the toilet.Little brother: Like this?Big brother: Yeah.Little brother: Now what?Big brother: Hit "ENTER."Little brother: "ENTER"?Big brother: I mean "flush."
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Labor Pains
When I was a mother's helper, the mom of the family I worked for sat with her three oldest children and watched a PBS special showing the birth of a baby. The mom thought it would be a good starting point for answering questions about the facts of life.
As her five-year-old studied the baby coming out of the birth canal, he asked, "Mom, does that hurt?"
"Oh, yes, it does," she said, remembering her difficult deliveries.
"Wow," he continued in awe, "does it hurt the mother too?"
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Here is today's Oneliner.
Do you think chickens find a rubber human funny?
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Sandwich
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
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HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSIONQ: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolonglife; is this true?A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, andthat's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everythingwears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will notmake you live longer; that's like saying you canextend the life of your car by driving it faster. Wantto live longer? Take a nap.Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits andvegetables?A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does acow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanismof delivering vegetables to your system. Beef is alsoa good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). Need grain? Eat chicken. And a pork chop can giveyou 100% of your recommended daily allowance ofvegetable products.Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, yourratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, yourratio is two to one, etc.Q: What are some of the advantages of participating ina regular exercise program?A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophyis: No Pain...Good!Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these daysin vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it.How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a littlesoft around the middle?A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it getsbigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want abigger stomach.Q: Is chocolate bad for me?A: Are you crazy? HELLO!! ..... Cocoa beans! Anothervegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!Q: Is swimming good for your figure?A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whalesto me.Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptionsyou may have had about food and diets.And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to thegrave with the intention of arriving safely in anattractive and well preserved body, but rather to skidin sideways - zinfandel in one hand - sausage dog inthe other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out,and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
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Enough is EnoughOne night recently, my phone rang several times throughout the evening. Each time, a woman's voice asked for Ben. Each time I politely explained that I lived alone, my name wasn't Ben, and she had a wrong number. The fifth time she called, I had had enough."Hello?" I said."Can I speak to Ben, please?"I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?""Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded."I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."Silence on the other end... a confused silence."Is this Steve?""Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?""Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice.I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago and said that he would be back at 10:00."A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!""The girl he went out with.""I know that! I mean... who is she?""I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?""Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."She was sounding pretty irate at this point. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"She exploded, "Who's Jennifer?" Apparently she wasn't."Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake.""Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..."