Martha Way vs. My Way
Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone. ==== Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time. My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. ==== Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. My way: Buy a mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year. ==== Martha's way: To prevent eggshells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling. My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway? ==== Martha's way: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop. My way: Eat out every night and avoid cooking. ==== Martha's way: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.' My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers. ==== Martha's way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you. ==== Martha's way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up". My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. My motto: If it's cooked, you will eat it no matter how bad it tastes.
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"Ladder Borrow"
My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son.
Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back."
With that, he responded, "Tell you the truth, it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's."
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"The Chicago Transit Authority has announced that there will
be new cars on the L-Train ensuring riders of a quieter ride.
This will mean that the only people in the city that won't
be able to hear the L will be the people inside riding it."
-Conan O'Brien
***
"Here's a great story: A couple was waiting in line at a
Taco Bell and they were having sex in their van. When I
heard about the couple getting arrested, I thought, "Oh,
Britney, please get some help.'" -Dave Letterman
***
"An elementary school in Santa Monica is banning tag from
the playground. They're afraid that the game could affect
children's self esteem. This also could prevent the spread
of 'kooties'." -Jay Leno
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A man was sleeping soundly when his wife shook him and said,
"Wake up, someone is breaking in!"
The man had gone through this same scenario almost every
night of his marriage, and he knew that the only way he
would get any rest was to get up and go check it out.
This time, however, he found that there really was a man
with a gun who entered to rob the house!
As the thief was about to flee the man said, "Stop! You have
to come with me and meet my wife."
Surprised, the thief turned around abruptly and said, "Why
would you want ME to meet your wife?"
The man replied, "She's been expecting you for 20 years."
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After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date,
the young lady decided she had been stood up. Exasperated,
she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers,
fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.
No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her
door bell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her
and gasped, "I'm two hours late - and you're still not ready?"
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Two Patients
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has s time booked for surgery the following week. The second patient sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't teviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months later. Why the different treatment for the two patients? The first patient is a Golden Retriever. The second patient is a senior citizen. Next time take me to a vet
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Still Among Us, We Can't Make Them Go Away
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?" ==== While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
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The Necklace
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
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Personalized Plate
While waiting in line at the Department of Vehicle Services
for my personalized license plate, I heard the clerk shout
out, "E I E I O."
"I'm here," the woman standing next to me answered.
Curious, I asked if she was a farmer or maybe taught
kindergarten.
"Neither," she replied. "My name is McDonald."
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"Caesar's Palace has announced that after five years, they've decided to end
their exclusive concert engagement with Celine Dion. To maintain continuity,
Caesar's will replace Dion with a shrieking baby and a car alarm." - Conan
O'Brien
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HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a Florida State University chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one student was so
"profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
Variant of it. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and
the rate at which they are leaving I think that we can safely assume
that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls
are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at
the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as
they are we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate vigorously stated to me by Carolyne during my freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,"
and take into account the fact that I slept with Carolyne last night, then
number two must be true. Therefore, I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Carolyne kept shouting " Oh my God, oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.