"Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any
Indian." - Robert Orben
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"What's Wrong Now?"
My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us.
Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments.
As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Uh-oh!" Fearing the worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?"
George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me."
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Oneliner
"My wild oats have turned into bran flakes."
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"Census Names"
Census Taker: "How many children do you have?"
Woman: "Four."
Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?"
Woman: "Eenee, Meenee, Minee and Frank."
Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child Frank?"
Woman: "Because we didn't want any Moe."
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”*Things a Man Should Know About Fatherhood*”
*Things a Man Should Know About Fatherhood*
Don't worry, your dad didn't know what *he* was doing, either.
Your child, at birth, already has a deeply complicated relationship with his or her mother, and for the first year you are merely a curiosity.
For a couple of years after that, an amusement park ride. Then, a referee. Finally, a bank.
If you want to circumcise your son, insist upon a local anesthetic. Most pediatricians don't use one. The anesthetic, by the way, is for your son.
There is nothing wrong with thumb-sucking. It helps to ease the pain of teething. It should, however, probably stop before high school.
Boys are better because they can't get pregnant.
Girls are better because they're less likely to be arrested.
All punishments should reduce the number of disagreeable tasks you would normally have to perform.
Never disclose to other parents that you have found a good babysitter.
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Age by Car RadioStudent: Every button is programmed to pop, rock, and rap -- except the oldie's station for your parents.Young Professional: Still programmed to rap, rock, and pop, plus the station that gives the traffic reports. As you approach the 30's, you'll probably also add the talk station that everyone at work talks about.Established Professional: Will use the "scan" button and hear the first pop tune you learned as a kid on the oldie's station.Approaching Middle Age: Thank goodness for "adult" pop, rock, and soul; will actually listen to the oldies for a few tunes.Truly Middle Age: It's not that you're old enough to listen to the oldies, it's just that they keep playing songs you know.Approaching Retirement: The radio is either on the oldies or off.Retired: Stopped listening to the radio -- that "oldies" station started playing all of this "new music".
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Beethoven's Ninth
The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist, "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion, "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
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Retirement Party
The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff "miss" him. Most people are writing standard phrases like, "Without you, the company will never be the same," "We will always remember you," etc. Obviously the boss was not satisfied. "I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know. Okay, John, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?" Slowly but firmly, John wrote, "The best news in 20 years."
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Sick Aunt
Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Smith into his office. "It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor." "You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Smith. "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking, do you?"
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For The Kids...
Q. What do you call two fat men having a chat?A. A heavy discussion. Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?A: Because they're always a little short. Q. Why do aliens make crop circles?A. Because they are corny. Q. What do you get when you cross a midget with a computer?A. A short circuit.
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Pete & Gladys
Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in
the furniture store.
Pete said to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't
think we can afford it."
The salesman said, "You just make a small down payment, and
then you don't make another payment for six months."
Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and said,
"Who told you about us?"
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A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
"Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from
zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat," his wife said.
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened
it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
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Here are some of the "All Time Dumbest Questions Asked by Banff Park
Tourists," as heard at the information kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff.
At what elevation does an elk become a moose?
How do you pronounce 'Elk'?
Are the bears with collars tame?
Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I
store it in my tent?
I saw an animal on the way to Banff today. Could you tell me what it was?
Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?
Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?
What's the best way to see Canada in a day?
Do they search you at the B.C. border?
Where can I buy a raccoon hat? All Canadians own one don't they?
So it's eight kilometers away. Is that in miles? We're on the decibel system
you know.
Where can I get my husband really lost?
Is that 2 kilometers by foot or by car?
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"At a school in Virginia, President Bush announced tough new reading
standards for high school students. He wants ninth graders to read at an
eighth-grade level by the time they're in the 12th grade." - Jay Leno