”Inheritances”
Two friends meet in the street. The one man looked rather forlorn and down in the mouth. The other man asked, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"
The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me ten thousand dollars."
"I'm sorry to hear about the death, but a bit of good luck for you, eh?"
"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me twenty thousand, free and clear."
"Well, you can't be disappointed with that!"
"Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost one hundred thousand dollars."
"Incredible... so how come you look so glum?"
"Well, this week...nothing!"
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"Cat Sitting"
One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter's indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department.
"We don't do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said. When I persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough."
"How do you know that?" I asked.
"Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said.
Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.
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Oneliner
"The older I get, the faster I was."
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"Waiter Feedback"
The diner was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter," he barked, "didn't you hear me say 'well done'?
"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter.
"I hardly ever get a compliment."
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Jury Duty 5I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman.After several questions, he asked, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" There was an awkward silence.Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."
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It's a summer holiday weekend, and a man walks into a
butcher shop that has a sign in the window saying, "Ground
Sirloin: 29 cents per pound."
The man says, "I'm having a cookout this weekend. I'd like
five pounds of your ground sirloin, please."
The butcher shakes his head and says, "Sorry. I'm all out."
The man, disappointed, goes down the street to another
butcher shop and asks, "How much is your ground sirloin?"
The proprietor replies, "It's $3.29 per pound."
"Three twenty nine!?!" exclaims the customer. "Just up the
street, the butcher sells it for 29 cents!"
The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, "Does
he have any?"
"No. He's out of it right now."
"Well," says the butcher, "when I don't have any, I can sell
it for 19 cents per pound!"
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Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something." "Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Driving Home Very Drunk
It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters. The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. "Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was. "Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he. "And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. "Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage. "May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the state troopers car.
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Dog Property Rules
1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If its in my mouth, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway. 7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine. 8. If I saw it first, it's mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If its broken, it's yours.
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For The Kids...
What did the lovesick bull say to the cow?'When I fall in love it will be for heifer'! Why were the hens lying on their backs with their legs in the air?Because eggs were going up! What do you call a sheep with no legs or head?A cloud! What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?An egg-splosion!
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A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her:
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on
some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.
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One of our co-workers went missing for a few hours, and we tore up the place
looking for him. The boss finally found him fast asleep. Rather than wake
him, he quietly placed a note on the man's chest...
"As long as you're asleep," it read, "you have a job. But as soon as you
wake up, you're fired!"
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Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.