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All Purpose Excuse Form
Here is an all purpose excuse form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten yourself into. Where there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and just go with it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be if you just let your instincts guide you!
Dear
a) Mom,b) Dad,c) love of my life,d) Assistant Principal,e) Local Police Chief,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
a) carb) housec) petd) espresso makere) left arm
was severely damaged by my
a) infantileb) puerilec) ineptd) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistice) woefully under appreciated
prank. How could I have known that the
a) carb) jet skic) large helium balloond) rodent driven sledgee) Zamboni
I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
a) house,b) wife,c) Cub Scout troop,d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with light bulb in the torch,e) priceless collection of antique knitting needles,
you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
a) imagine,b) fathom,c) comprehend,d) appreciate,e) pay for,
and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to
a) hate me,b) sue me,c) spank me,d) take my firstborn,e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond,
but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at
a) schoolb) workc) churchd) the bowling alleye) the municipal jail
and to remember that I am first and foremost your
a) friendb) childc) siblingd) lease co-signere) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.
I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one thata) was so stupid.b) was so silly.c) would have been funny if it worked.d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first.e) I'm going to use again on someone else.
Sincerely,
Enter name here (or alias): ________________________
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Here is today's Oneliner.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Bears
Three men came back from fishing one day, but when they got back to their truck, they saw it was surrounded by three bears. One of the men said, "OK, guys, I figure the only way we're gonna get back to the truck is to make these bears really angry. Then they'll leave and we can go home.
"Ed, you take that one on the left, the little cub with a broken leg. I'll take the one in the middle, the little cub with one eye and a hurt paw. Joe, you take the one on the right, the mama bear."
Joe looked and saw a huge silvertip grizzly bear with big teeth and froth around her mouth.
"Hey, man, wait a sec. I'm supposed to get this monster angry, and you guys get the cubs? That's not fair!"
"Now, now, Joe," was the reply. "We all have our bears to cross."
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"There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age."
"I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarian and we're skeptical." (Charles Schultz)
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a
question of finding a sickness you like." (Jackie Mason)
"Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars, and so on -- whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons." (Douglas Adams)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and
father." (Greg Norman)
"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver." (Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman)
"Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is
comfortable."
"If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag."
"100,000 lemmings can't be wrong."
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The young goober rancher came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
The young rancher answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
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SIGNS YOU'RE GETTING TOO OLD TO DRIVE
It takes more than four minutes to get out of your
car.
When backing into a parking spot, you just back up
until you hear something.
It scares you to drive the speed limit.
The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the
Amish.
You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.
You inquired if the dealership could install
magnifying glass for the windshield.
Your turn signal has been on since 2003.
Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.
When the police pull you over, they're surprised to
find out you're sober.
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Good Housekeeping Tip:
Always keep several get well cards on the mantel.....
so if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you've
been sick and unable to clean...
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A Real Groaner
Two men were out hunting in the woods. One of them was
a fanatical huntsman: he went hunting as often as he
could. The other was his friend: a peaceful nature
loving fellow, who didn't really want to hurt
anything.
They had been out in the woods for some time, when
they picked up the tracks of a deer. They soon caught
up with it, and when they saw it, it was obvious why
it had been so easy to catch up to: it had a terrible
infection over it's left eye, which it couldn't even
see out of.
The hunter started to take aim with his shotgun, but
his friend begged him to stop.
He said, "Can't you see that's a bad eye deer?"
(Say it slowly... get it?)
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Here's "blonde" with a twist!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(Oh this is GOOD!!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."